Does an In-charge Husband Inspire His Wife’s Submission?

A husband who takes charge calls out the femininity in his wife. His confident leadership make space for his wife to invest effort in being the nurturer and the home-maker, roles historically associated with the feminine gender. By taking the lead, the husband widens the gap between masculinity and femininity in the marriage. (Without this gap, there is no sexual chemistry in marriage.)

As the husband leads and actively moves to protect and provide for his family, his actions are instinctively interpreted as masculine by his wife. The more the husband adopts an in-charge stance in the marriage and home, the more his masculinity becomes evident to his wife. As she senses an apparent growth in his masculinity (apparent since it was always there, but his wife wasn’t noticing it any more), she finds him more attractive, “different”, and easier to respect. As her respect for him begins to flow more readily, her husband is in turn encouraged to lead more aggressively and begins to sense the submission evidenced by his wife’s respect for him. The wife’s submission feeds the husband’s authority, the growth of which inspires a deepening of the submission in the wife.

The author of an article on Taken in Hand puts it this way: "...being under a man's authority is about retaining our awareness of one another as being different from each other. It is about being aware of myself as a woman, and being aware of the man as being a man rather than sexless/unisex. It is about being true to myself as a woman with a desire to be with a man who needs to be in control in an intimate relationship...”

Are Good Husbands Also Bullies?

Any husband has the potential to be a bully. A good husband, however, is never a bully.

A bully is a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker. A husband in authority over his wife and family is certainly in a position to abuse his position of power. He could easily use his authority to intimidate his wife and break her down emotionally. He could use his superior physical strength to cause her bodily harm that cannot be excused as appropriate domestic discipline.  But a man who understands the responsibility that goes with his marital leadership, power, and authority will not easily fall into the trap of becoming an abuser.

 

A husband has the responsibility to love his wife. All his actions must answer to the question: Is this an expression of my love for my wife? If the answer is not an emphatic yes, the husband needs to take a closer look at his motives. A man who loves his wife will not humiliate her, or injure her, or keep her from being all that God created her to be. On the contrary, he will make choices that encourage his wife, that protect her from injury, and that raise her up in the eye of the public and her family. He will find opportunities to praise her and nurture her talents. He will take time to give her what she needs.

 

Bullies don’t act out of confidence. Their motive is fear. And they use fear to keep others from challenging them to become all they can be. A husband who uses fear tactics to keep his wife submissive is a poor leader, and there is little chance his marriage will thrive. Bullying a wife into submission may make her act submissive for a while, but it will drive her heart in the opposite direction and tear the marriage apart. A husband who desires a submissive wife must learn to love his wife into submission.

Spanking Communicates Authority II

In “Spanking Communicates Authority Part I”, we considered the possibility that spanking is a physical form of communication between a husband and a wife. How does the husband spanking his wife’s bare bottom translate into marital communication?

In the traditional marriage, the husband assumes the role of the leader responsible for his marriage and his home. He accepts the authority that comes with the leadership role, and is expected to exercise his authority as the leader. The wife’s role is that of the submissive partner. She chooses to submit to her husband’s authority. She is not worth less as a person, because she submits in marriage. She simply has a different role than her husband has and has taken up the challenge of letting her husband lead.

Many couples start their journey into marriage fully intending to assume their traditional marriage roles. Before too long, they learn that it is difficult and exhausting at times to exercise authority or submit, especially when you don’t feel like doing it. The inconsistency in staying true to the traditional roles causes tensions to develop in the marriage. It does not take long for the build up of tension to challenge the peace in the home and damage the confidence that the couple initially had in the power of traditional marriage roles. The partners may try to remain “in character” through their choice of words, but the constant bickering and relentless arguing will eventually merge their distinct roles into matched generic, neutered roles.

You may be thinking that was a nice collection of sentences, but it doesn’t explain how a spanking can help avoid this disintegration of a marriage. How does a spanking achieve what words cannot?

When a husband defends his words of authority with an act of authority, he emphasizes his authority. Why is that important? The wife’s genuine respect for her husband finds its foundation in her recognition of his authority. A wife who does not truly recognize her husband’s authority in the relationship will not offer heart-felt respect as her gift to him. The more she respects her husband, the easier it becomes for her to submit to him. When a husband boldly spanks his wife, he is reminding her that he has authority over her. The act of spanking is less about punishing or inflicting pain on his wife, and more about communicating his authority over her.

Marital Spanking is Two-way Communication

Spanking is a way for a husband to communicate his authority in the marriage. When he spanks his wife, he is giving her a physical reminder of his role as head of his home. But what about the wife? If spanking is a powerful form of physical communication, should we think about it as a monologue? Is the husband the only one who is doing the “talking”?

The act of a husband spanking his wife is not a one-way form of communication. Yes, the husband’s hand smacking his wife’s bottom is a wordless statement of his authority in the marriage, but is it more than that. In submitting to, and accepting, the spanking her husband offers, the wife is emphasizing her acceptance of her submissive role in the marriage. Speak to any wife that is spanked in a loving marriage and you will learn that she does not submit to the spanking out of fear. The relationship is not one of a master whipping his slave. The wife who is loved by her husband may hate the spanking, but she will not fear her husband.

Why then, you may ask, does she let her husband lay his hand on her? The quick answer is that the spanking is her gift to her husband, as much as it is his gift to her. Remember that by spanking his wife, the husband emphasizes his authority and make his wife’s challenge (to be submissive to him) a little easier to face. When the husband’s authority is emphasized, it calls out her submission. By taking up the challenge of exercising his authority, the husband is creating an environment that encourages submission in his wife. By offering herself to her husband and not resisting the way he chooses to exercise his authority, the wife encourages the husband to assume responsibility as leader. Her physical act of submission in presenting her bottom to the spanking serves as a bold statement of her submission to her husband. The husband’s recognition of submission in his wife feeds his own confidence as leader. By accepting a spanking without resistance, a wife is giving her husband the gift of her surrender to him.

Spanking in marriage is not a monologue. It is the husband acting out his authority to encourage submission in his wife. It is also the wife acting out her submission in order to encourage bold leadership in her husband. Is marital spanking or domestic discipline a barbaric act of spousal abuse or a small price to pay for a healthy marriage? You decide.

Spanking Communicates Authority I

If you can get past the idea that a husband spanking his wife is too barbaric to even contemplate, you may be ready to ask how spanking achieves what the old folks say it does. How does spanking help to strengthen a marriage? Surely a grown woman doesn’t need to be disciplined like a naughty child? Her pain threshold is higher than a child’s so how does a bit of butt-warming administered by her husband have effect on her? Is it all about her husband humiliating her or deriving selfish, lustful pleasure from beating his wife?

Perhaps the most powerful attribute of a sound spanking is that is clearly communicates authority. Most people get wrapped up in how unfair it is for a husband to lay his hand across his wife’s behind and cause her some pain. They focus on the pain and the embarrassment of spanking and become oblivious to the very thing that is vital for a healthy marriage: a husband IN AUTHORITY and a wife who SUBMITS to that authority.

What does a spanking have to do with the husband’s authority and the wife’s submission? A spanking is the most physical and safe way for a husband to clearly demonstrate that he is in authority. A spanking is the most physical and safe way for a wife to demonstrate her submission to her husband. In giving and accepting a spanking, both the husband and wife are communicating (and perhaps reminding themselves) of their commitment to their marriage roles.

Couldn’t the husband and wife simply communicate their authority and submission with words? Yes, they can and they should. The husband should always first make his stand with a verbal declaration of his authority. He should never be afraid to speak out as the leader of the home. In like manner, the wife should be bold about her submission. She should grab every opportunity to express her respect for her husband, in his presence and when he is absent.  Spanking does not substitute for this verbal level of communication between husband and wife. Spanking complements the verbal communication.

Spanking as a Consequence

For the husband to successfully deal with repeated challenges to his authority as leader of the home, he has to be prepared to offer a consequence less pleasant than the embarrassment caused by him communicating to his wife that he finds her behavior disrespectful. If telling his wife that she is damaging their marriage through her disrespect is not enough to adjust her behavior, it is time to deliver a less pleasant consequence that will be more likely to cause a positive change.

The consequence you choose as the husband and leader must be one which is effective in changing behavior. Some husbands report success with consequences such as: no use of the family credit card for a period of time; no “girls night out” for a limited period; extra house chores for a limited time; no surfing the internet for a period of time. These “time outs” from social and shopping activities provide much-needed stretches of quite time (often sorely absent in most busy families) where both the husband and wife can relax and spend time together investing in their marriage. Obviously, banning the weekly “girls night out” will not prove too effective if the wife doesn’t actually enjoy being out with her girlfriends and prefers to spend a quiet evening at home. It is essential for the husband to choose a consequence that matches the offense and the personality of the wife.

Since this blog is devoted to unearthing and understanding the secrets of successful old-fashioned marriages, the most obvious old-fashioned (and unpleasant) consequence cannot be ignored. Have you noticed how respectful and loving the partners in old fashioned marriages are towards each other? Have you noticed how they speak kindly to each other? Have you noticed how they seem to enjoy touching each other? How is that kind of tolerance and desire possible when you can see that the individuals do annoying things that would drive you crazy?  If you like a challenge and want to explore this further on your own, don’t continue to read this post. Simply spend some time investigating why the couples who claim to be old fashioned and have been married for decades still seem so in-love and happy to be around each other, and you will likely learn something that may shock you.

Many old fashioned marriages share one common consequence for wives who disrespect or disobey their husbands: good, old fashioned spanking. That’s right! The husband spanks his beloved wife as a punishment for her choices and as a deterrent from repeating the behavior that threatens the integrity of the marriage. This course of action has a politically correct name: domestic discipline. In marital domestic discipline, the wife submits to the authority of her husband, and accepts corporal punishment of his choosing when her husband deems it necessary.

Isn’t this an outrage? What right does a husband have to discipline his wife? Those are topics we will explore in other posts, so we won’t digress now. Whether or not a husband is entitled to tan his wife’s naughty, naked butt is not nearly as captivating an idea as the fact that this “barbaric” act seems to serve as part of the superglue that keeps old fashioned marriages together decades after the marriage vows were exchanged. If spanking is one of the hidden secrets of strong marriages, then its time to bring this secret out into the open for further analysis. What do you think?