Submissive Wives Cannot Think for Themselves

In an earlier post, "10 Reasons to Fear the Title of Submissive Wife", we considered ten possible reasons why many modern day wives distance themselves from public association with "submission in the home". At the top of the list was:

 

"You will not be allowed to think for yourself. You will never make any decisions in your marriage, and your ideas will always be disregarded."

 

Is this statement always true, sometimes true, or never true? Is a wife justified in thinking that if she submits to her husband, he will take over the job of thinking for her?

It is true that in a traditional marriage, the husband has the authority to make the final decision on anything pertaining to the home or marriage. But it is a stormy and shallow traditional marriage in which the husband disregards his wife's opinion. As a leader, he has the responsibility to serve those he leads. By listening to his wife's ideas, he learns how to serve her better. Better still, by actively encouraging his wife to explore or develop new ideas and then share them, he is helping his wife to grow creatively. By letting her make decisions, he comes to understand his wife better. A wise husband will quickly realize that his wife is an asset to his leadership, as she provides a perspective on the home and marriage that is never identical to his own. Merging his and her perspectives will broaden the scope for marriage grow, and this includes making it easier to find solutions to common marriage conflicts.

Is the husband obligated to adopt any ideas his wife shares with him? No, he still retains the authority to rule in favor of a different approach, but when he does so, he can be confident that he has explored not only his own ideas, but his wife's as well. He won't be acting from a position of ignorance or blinded by arrogance - he will be making that final decision for the benefit of his wife and his marriage. Encouraging his wife to think independently does not minimize his authority - it enhances it.

But won't a wife who is allowed to have her own ideas struggle to submit to her husband? After all, her submission requires her to align her will with that of her leader and husband. If she is allowed too much "free will" won't she become defiant and want to dominate her husband? A weak leader is controlling, demanding submission through fear and manipulation. Good leaders don't control. Instead of putting his wife into a limiting box from which she desires to break free, the strong leader creates boundaries within which his wife will thrive. A wife that is encouraged to become all she can be, a woman who is free to grow to her full potential, won't be driven to instinctively rebel against unseen oppression. No, this doesn't mean she will never digress from the path of submission. She will simply not feel shackled to the path, and will walk it willingly (even if she stumbles from time to time).

Is it reasonable to think that if you submit to your husband's leadership, you will lose your right to think for yourself? Certainly not. Your husband's leadership is strengthened when you contribute your thoughts and ideas in a respectful way.

Spanking Communicates Authority II

In “Spanking Communicates Authority Part I”, we considered the possibility that spanking is a physical form of communication between a husband and a wife. How does the husband spanking his wife’s bare bottom translate into marital communication?

In the traditional marriage, the husband assumes the role of the leader responsible for his marriage and his home. He accepts the authority that comes with the leadership role, and is expected to exercise his authority as the leader. The wife’s role is that of the submissive partner. She chooses to submit to her husband’s authority. She is not worth less as a person, because she submits in marriage. She simply has a different role than her husband has and has taken up the challenge of letting her husband lead.

Many couples start their journey into marriage fully intending to assume their traditional marriage roles. Before too long, they learn that it is difficult and exhausting at times to exercise authority or submit, especially when you don’t feel like doing it. The inconsistency in staying true to the traditional roles causes tensions to develop in the marriage. It does not take long for the build up of tension to challenge the peace in the home and damage the confidence that the couple initially had in the power of traditional marriage roles. The partners may try to remain “in character” through their choice of words, but the constant bickering and relentless arguing will eventually merge their distinct roles into matched generic, neutered roles.

You may be thinking that was a nice collection of sentences, but it doesn’t explain how a spanking can help avoid this disintegration of a marriage. How does a spanking achieve what words cannot?

When a husband defends his words of authority with an act of authority, he emphasizes his authority. Why is that important? The wife’s genuine respect for her husband finds its foundation in her recognition of his authority. A wife who does not truly recognize her husband’s authority in the relationship will not offer heart-felt respect as her gift to him. The more she respects her husband, the easier it becomes for her to submit to him. When a husband boldly spanks his wife, he is reminding her that he has authority over her. The act of spanking is less about punishing or inflicting pain on his wife, and more about communicating his authority over her.

Spanking Communicates Authority I

If you can get past the idea that a husband spanking his wife is too barbaric to even contemplate, you may be ready to ask how spanking achieves what the old folks say it does. How does spanking help to strengthen a marriage? Surely a grown woman doesn’t need to be disciplined like a naughty child? Her pain threshold is higher than a child’s so how does a bit of butt-warming administered by her husband have effect on her? Is it all about her husband humiliating her or deriving selfish, lustful pleasure from beating his wife?

Perhaps the most powerful attribute of a sound spanking is that is clearly communicates authority. Most people get wrapped up in how unfair it is for a husband to lay his hand across his wife’s behind and cause her some pain. They focus on the pain and the embarrassment of spanking and become oblivious to the very thing that is vital for a healthy marriage: a husband IN AUTHORITY and a wife who SUBMITS to that authority.

What does a spanking have to do with the husband’s authority and the wife’s submission? A spanking is the most physical and safe way for a husband to clearly demonstrate that he is in authority. A spanking is the most physical and safe way for a wife to demonstrate her submission to her husband. In giving and accepting a spanking, both the husband and wife are communicating (and perhaps reminding themselves) of their commitment to their marriage roles.

Couldn’t the husband and wife simply communicate their authority and submission with words? Yes, they can and they should. The husband should always first make his stand with a verbal declaration of his authority. He should never be afraid to speak out as the leader of the home. In like manner, the wife should be bold about her submission. She should grab every opportunity to express her respect for her husband, in his presence and when he is absent.  Spanking does not substitute for this verbal level of communication between husband and wife. Spanking complements the verbal communication.

My Wife Told Me to Do It

There is a story of a man who died and went to heaven to find two signs above two different lines. One sign said: "ALL THOSE MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE." That line of men seemed to stretch off through the clouds into infinity. The second sign read: "ALL THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE." Underneath the sign stood one man. He went over to the man, grabbed his arm and said, "What's the secret, how did you do it? That other line has millions of men and you are the only one standing in this line." The man looked around with a puzzled expression and said, "Why, I am not sure I know. My wife just told me to stand here." (Borrowed from What Should Be the Husband's Role in Marriage.)

Why does this story tickle our funny bone? Perhaps because it smacks of the truth? Perhaps because many husbands and wives can identify with it?

How many wives have you heard complain of being dominated by their husbands? Yet it is not uncommon to be amongst men and hear moaning about "mothering", "being hen-pecked", "told what to do", "not allowed to do what I want" etc.. If men are so uncomfortable with being led by their wives, why don't they take the lead in their marriage? Could it be because they don't know how to lead, or is it because they really don't want to bear the responsibility of leadership?

What Makes for a Peaceful Home?

Respect. At the core of every peaceful home and happy marriage you will find respect. Respect is not something you have or an entity you can hold onto, like your marriage license. It’s quite simply the act of giving particular attention or holding in high regard. It’s something you DO. And if it’s not something that comes easily to you, all is not lost. Fortunately, respect is something you can learn to do.

What if you don’t respect your wife or husband? After all, some people just don't seem to deserve respect, right? Without respect, a marriage quickly degrades into bickering. Husbands start to whine about how their wives don’t respect them and always second-guess them. Wives nag, because they convince themselves that that their husbands don’t listen to them. The bickering, whining, and nagging becomes a slippery slope to occasional heated arguments. In time, if respect is left out of the relationship, the occasional insults and angry outbursts become a daily event. In no time, you wake up to find that your once happy marriage has evolved into a constant battle you would rather avoid.

Is it too late if my marriage is already a war zone? Respect is an act of our will, so you can introduce respect into your marriage today. The first step towards respecting your marriage partner is taken when you choose to put them ahead of yourself. Sound familiar? It should - that’s the choice of an unselfish person. Selfish folk always put themselves first. For selfish people, it’s always about what they want or what is good for them. To start the process of developing respect for your partner, ask yourself what he/she might want or what would be good for them. Then make the choice and initiate the act of GIVING them what is best for them. Not only will be you blessing your partner, but you will taking a step towards having the kind of peaceful marriage you long for.

Is a peaceful marriage attainable? It certainly is if you will be the courageous partner who takes the first step.

Old Fashioned Marriage Starts with a Vow

Once upon a time, marriage started with vows that went something like this:

I, [the groom] , take you, [the bride], to be my wife,
to have and to hold from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy law.
I, [the bride] , take you, [the groom], to be my husband,
to have and to hold from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love, cherish, and obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy law.

Couples entered the marriage knowing how binding their promise would be. Their vows left no backdoors for divorce if the going got tough. When you married, you committed yourself wholeheartedly to staying together until your partner died. Husbands took on the responsibility to love, protect, guide and lead their wives. Wives accepted the responsibility to love and honor their husbands, and agreed to express this honor through their submission to their husbands' authority. Is marriage with this level of commitment still possible in our modern society? Can couples of all ages have old fashioned marriages that don't stifle them? How do modern wives get their husbands to take the lead in the home? How to modern husbands get their wives to submit to them? Do marriages with gender-specific roles really work? We're on a journey to find those answers. Join us as we explore the mystery of the old fashioned marriage that works.