29 September 2012

Submissive Wives Cannot Think for Themselves

In an earlier post, "10 Reasons to Fear the Title of Submissive Wife", we considered ten possible reasons why many modern day wives distance themselves from public association with "submission in the home". At the top of the list was:
"You will not be allowed to think for yourself. You will never make any decisions in your marriage, and your ideas will always be disregarded."
Is this statement always true, sometimes true, or never true? Is a wife justified in thinking that if she submits to her husband, he will take over the job of thinking for her?

It is true that in a traditional marriage, the husband has the authority to make the final decision on anything pertaining to the home or marriage. But it is a stormy and shallow traditional marriage in which the husband disregards his wife's opinion. As a leader, he has the responsibility to serve those he leads. By listening to his wife's ideas, he learns how to serve her better. Better still, by actively encouraging his wife to explore or develop new ideas and then share them, he is helping his wife to grow creatively. By letting her make decisions, he comes to understand his wife better. A wise husband will quickly realize that his wife is an asset to his leadership, as she provides a perspective on the home and marriage that is never identical to his own. Merging his and her perspectives will broaden the scope for marriage grow, and this includes making it easier to find solutions to common marriage conflicts.

Is the husband obligated to adopt any ideas his wife shares with him? No, he still retains the authority to rule in favor of a different approach, but when he does so, he can be confident that he has explored not only his own ideas, but his wife's as well. He won't be acting from a position of ignorance or blinded by arrogance - he will be making that final decision for the benefit of his wife and his marriage. Encouraging his wife to think independently does not minimize his authority - it enhances it.

But won't a wife who is allowed to have her own ideas struggle to submit to her husband? After all, her submission requires her to align her will with that of her leader and husband. If she is allowed too much "free will" won't she become defiant and want to dominate her husband? A weak leader is controlling, demanding submission through fear and manipulation. Good leaders don't control. Instead of putting his wife into a limiting box from which she desires to break free, the strong leader creates boundaries within which his wife will thrive. A wife that is encouraged to become all she can be, a woman who is free to grow to her full potential, won't be driven to instinctively rebel against unseen oppression. No, this doesn't mean she will never digress from the path of submission. She will simply not feel shackled to the path, and will walk it willingly (even if she stumbles from time to time).

Is it reasonable to think that if you submit to your husband's leadership, you will lose your right to think for yourself? Certainly not. Your husband's leadership is strengthened when you contribute your thoughts and ideas in a respectful way.

23 September 2012

Overcoming Avoidance Behavior

In "Why Husbands Hesitate" the emotional turmoil behind a husband's avoidance behavior was explored. Husbands desire respect, they want to be honored as the leader in the home, yet when they are not, they often do nothing. When the wife challenges her husband's authority, it evokes powerful emotions in the husband. Many husbands bottle these emotions and become resentful over time, blaming the declining quality of the marriage on their wife's controlling nature. Some husbands respond by throwing temper tantrums and then wonder why their wives called them "immature" and respect them even less. Few husbands stand up to the challenge, and take action to correct and remind their wives that they (the husbands) are still in charge.

The exploration of  "Why Husbands Hesitate" revealed that it is not uncommon for husbands to decide their response based on what they are feeling at the time. Husbands may respond in the one extreme by losing their temper or in the other extreme by giving their wife the silent-treatment, but few actually do anything about the behavior that is so offensive and damaging to their relationship. Why the classic avoidance behavior on the part of the husbands?  Many husbands simply don't feel "good enough" to correct their wives. They pass the offensive situation (e.g. their wife speaking disrespectfully to them; their wife disobeying house rules, etc.) through the filter of fairness and come to the conclusion that they are not "better" than their wives, and so cannot justify correcting their wives.
How is a husband who feels like he would be a hypocrite for correcting his wife going to exercise his authority or handle threats to his authority within his home?
As old-school as this sounds in a time when men and women are equally free to "be emotional" whenever it suits them, men have to stop being so emotional when it comes to leadership. To act when you don't feel qualified or justified in doing so, you must remove or at least distance yourself from the "feeling" aspect of the situation. Does this mean you cannot acknowledge what you feel? Do you have to pretend to feel nothing? Absolutely not. Suppressed emotion can lead to frustration or stress-related health problems. Certainly acknowledge and express your emotions, but do not be controlled by them. Feeling inadequate or "not good enough" to correct or discipline your wife is something you might as well get used to. It goes hand-in-hand with being an earthling. If you are human, you will make judgment errors, you will do stupid things (hopefully not often) you regret, and you will feel like a fraud for spanking your wife when she doesn't measure up.
It is all well and good to say "take the emotion out of it", but how does a husband actually accomplish this emotional castration when his confidence has been rattled and he doesn't feel up to the task? His wife may be yelling at him, telling him he is an idiot, speaking to him as if he is a child, or blatantly doing the opposite of what he has asked of her. How can he bypass all he feels in that moment and act in a way that helps his wife stop her destructive behavior?
Quite simply, the husband must pre-determine his response. He must decide long before his wife crosses the line what he will do when the line is crossed. The consequence must be set before it is ever needed. A husband and wife should discuss what is good or bad for their marriage, and agree on suitable consequences for damaging behavior. Ultimately, the husband bears the responsibility for setting the boundaries.

Once the husband has decided where the lines are and what the consequences will be, he needs to share this specific information with his wife so she knows what to expect and what is expected of her. These lines (or boundaries created by rules) should not be arbitrarily chosen based on emotion, but should be boundaries that protect the harmony in the marriage. Boundaries are not about stroking the ego of the husband, but rather function to create a healthy environment for growth in the marriage.
In the heat of the moment, when the husband's authority is being threatened, his confidence is crushed, and he is loath to do anything about it, he cannot afford to act based on what he feels. He has to carry out the plan created by the very boundaries he put in place.
Husbands who set boundaries for their homes create a safe environment in which the couple can grow. A husband who reacts to challenges as a guardian of his marriage doesn't have to fear that his emotions will keep him from doing his duty. He will correct his wife irrespective of how flawed he judges himself to be, because it won't have anything to do with feelings or his own sense of worth. If a punishment spanking was the consequence decided upon before the line was crossed, then a punishment spanking is what must follow the crossing of the line. The husband will deliver that punishment spanking because that is what the pre-determined consequence is for the particular offense, and not because his wife is worthy of his judgement. Old fashioned husbands are not cold and emotionless. They feel it all, but they do what needs to be done anyway.

22 September 2012

Why Husbands Hesitate

"Men" and "emotions" are seldom used in the same sentence. Even in modern society where it is now acceptable for men to cry in public and do other  "emotional things" that were once assigned to the realm of women, we still don't think of men as emotional creatures. Yet men do battle emotions from time to time. And the emotions have the same potential to hinder the growth of a marriage as when women let their emotions interfere with their choice to submit to their husbands.

Perhaps the one occasion when husbands experience emotion (often kept well hidden under the surface) quite profoundly is when their authority in the home is challenged. What goes through the mind of a husband when he recognizes that his wife has crossed the line? Is anger the only reaction to having his buttons pushed? Few husbands will punish out of anger, and many husbands will walk away pretending that the challenge to their authority never actually happened. What keeps a husband from acknowledging his wife's disrespect and dealing with it so he reduces the chance of such behavior recurring?

Consider that a wife who crosses the line, who disregards her husband's authority, may possibly be evoking one or many of the following reactions in her husband without even realizing it:

1. He feels disrespected by his wife.
2. He is disappointed in his wife.
3. He feels hurt that his wife would treat him this way.
4. He feels apprehension upon realizing that he should correct his wife.
5. He feels inadequate or under-qualified to make an issue of the offense, as he recognizes his own imperfections are significant when held up against his wife's offense.

Why do husband's hesitate to deal with a wife's disrespect or disobedience? When all the emotions have boiled down, the husband may realize he would be a hypocite for punishing his wife when he makes mistakes all the time. Instead of taking the emotion out of the situation, the husband who hesitates or who totally avoids dealing with his wife straying from submission often does so in response to his own emotions. He allows how he feels (oh-so-human and filled with imperfections) to determine his reaction. He subconsciously concludes that it would be unfair to punish his wife for her lack of submission when he is not the perfect leader. So he does nothing. Is it surprising that his wife's disrespect for him grows?

The hesitant husband may justify his lack of action on the grounds of fairness. He may whine and complain that his wife is growing more bossy by the day. He may mutter under his breath about how disrespectful she is. He may even express anger at her lack of submission. But until he does the old fashioned "manly" thing of separating his emotions, how he feels, from what needs to be done, he will never experience the fulness of a marriage where he confidently leads and his wife graciously submits.

19 September 2012

The Modern Woodshed

According to the Urban Dictionary, the "woodshed" is an allusion to being corporally punished, where the victim would be sent to the woodshed to await his punisher. The woodshed was a popular location, because it was remote from the rest of the home (affording the punished a little privacy), and there was abundant material there for fashioning a paddle or a switch. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the woodshed as a place, means, or session for administering discipline.
Woodsheds are not too abundant in modern cities and towns that are powered by electricity and gas. Not many city dwellers have even see an old fashioned woodshed complete with wood piles, a wooden workbench, and a saw horse or two. The proverbial "trip to the woodshed" is now an archaic term. Should it be? Should a "trip to the woodshed" be an almost forgotten part of our history, or does it still have a place in an old fashioned modern marriage?
A husband that takes a firm lead will inevitably have to draw the line or lay down some home rules for his wife. If she crosses the line in disobedience or defiance, it falls on the husband to do what is necessary to restore respect for his authority and those rules. While a punishment administered by the husband may occur very rarely, the necessity for it from time to time cannot be overlooked. In the absence of a physical shed in the backyard, what is a husband to use as the "woodshed" and why should he even bother to have one?
Having a defined place for a punishment spanking to take place can help both the husband and wife prepare for the punishment.
Facing a punishment spanking that he must administer is intimidating for any husband who is relatively new to marital spanking. He may be torn between knowing he must do what he promised to do, and his sincere dislike for causing his wife any pain. On a head level, he may know that a short period of pain now may help his wife become more submissive and respectful in the long term, but that doesn't make it any easier to be the one to provide his wife with the painful experience. The husband may feel his confidence wavering, suddenly aware that his wife may vehemently resist his attempt to punish her. He may feel ill-equipped to handle that kind of resistance given his experience, especially if he is already tempted to avoid the punishment. He may be teetering on the edge of backing down and giving in to the urge to cancel the punishment. He may be considering all the reasons he isn't good enough to be judging and finding his wife guilty of wrong-doing. He may be battling a deep sense of hypocrisy for even entertaining the thought of punishing his beautiful bride.
It not only the husband who finds the countdown to a punishment to be an extremely uncomfortable time. Facing a punishment spanking is a frightening experience for the wife. She will be battling different emotions and may find it hard to focus on how the discipline will enrich her marriage. There may be the fear of the pain she is about to experience.  If never punished before, the wife may be terrified of the unknown. Disappointment in herself for letting her husband down may battle for the wife's attention. She may feel guilt over what she did to deserve the punishment. She may be angry with herself for her mistake, or angry with her husband for being prepared to punish her. She may be dwelling on how unfair it is for her  husband to discipline her, when he is far from perfect himself. The resentment this causes may be welling up within her with some considerable force. She may find herself reliving the memory of her mistake over and over again. She may be struggling to even consider surrendering to the punishment - submission may be the last thing she wants to offer her husband. She may even be trying to think up counter-arguments that she can use to talk her husband out of punishing her.
How can having a "woodshed", a designated place to give and receive a punishment spanking, help to prepare the husband and the wife for a very unpleasant, but necessary, experience?
A "woodshed" gives the husband a place to send his wife to when it is decided that a punishment spanking is necessary. In many ways, having this fixed destination makes the matter final. Once the wife is sent to the "woodshed", the option to back out of the punishment is removed for both partners, and with it much of the anxiety that goes with indecision. If the wife enters the "woodshed" ahead of her husband, she will have some time alone to focus her thoughts knowing she doesn't have to invest any effort into trying to avoid the punishment. The husband can use the same time on his own to plan the punishment. While there is a place for spontaneity in the process, planning the punishment spanking will help boost the husband's confidence.
What kind of "woodsheds" do modern couples have access to?
For many couples, the "woodshed" is their bedroom. For some, though, the thought of using the bedroom for punishments seems wrong. Their concerns seem to center on the fact that using the bedroom for such an unpleasant and painful experience may have a negative effect on their perception of the bedroom as place of peaceful rest and pleasurable intimacy. These couples may choose a study, home office, or den as their "woodshed". The bathroom, already subconsciously associated with privacy and the cleansing process, is also a favorite. Particularly for couples with children, an outbuilding or garage works well. Those fortunate enough to have a property with substantial grounds and plenty of privacy may choose a particular spot in the garden to serve as their open-air "woodshed". 
If a couple has chosen an old fashioned marriage, then a "woodshed", which helps to take a lot of unnecessary anxiety out of the punishment process, should be decided on. Irrespective of whether the husband chooses the "woodshed" or the couple decides on the venue as a team, the "woodshed" should be chosen before any punishment is ever necessary. Knowing that a  "woodshed" exists is a good reminder for both husband and wife that punishment spankings are not fairytale threats, but a real possibility. Having this sense of certainty can encourage both husband and wife to take their marital roles seriously and avoid the "trip to the woodshed" at all costs.

16 September 2012

Lady in Red

Disrespect. Rebellion. Disregard for the rules. Disobedience. Neglect. Dishonesty. If the wife pleads guilty to any of these domestic crimes, what is to be her punishment? Or is there no punishment at all?  Are these just tragedies of modern marriage that should be ignored, and not in-home misbehavior that must be addressed? The wisdom of yesteryear suggests a remedy. It calls for a domestic reward for such behaviors that many modern husbands are afraid to even consider: the marital spanking.

Brainwashed by conventional wisdom, husbands have come to believe that when a man raises his hand against his wife, it is the most barbaric form of abuse, and cannot qualify as anything else. Afraid to be labelled an abusive husband, husbands brush aside the advice from the older generation. They tolerate the chaos in their homes. They bow to the leadership of their wives. They lose their self-esteem. They seek solace elsewhere and trade shallow affairs for the sanctity of marriage. They avoid coming home to their overbearing wives. Marriages grind their way through the sausage machine of divorce court. Lives of adults and children are minced up as husbands choose to abandon the wisdom of old as a sacrifice to please unnamed strangers who really don't care.

Consider domestic chaos: a home lacking in harmony, where a husband and wife yell at each other, where respect is absent, where loving encouragement is replaced by hurtful comments. What if you were given one chance to change that? What if your wife said she would do anything you wanted for one hour to help you change the home environment from Crazy Land to Peace and Harmony. What would you do with that hour? Would you be frozen on the spot, overwhelmed by the weight of the decision? Would you act quickly and take advantage of your wife's co-operation? What would you as the husband do?

If you are short on generating your own creative ideas, you might decide to call in a wise old man who has lived the married life and survived to tell the tale. Oh, the stories he could tell. When asked what he would do with the hour that will change things forever, he might say something like this:

Young man, your wife wants to be married to a man, not a mouse. Act like a man. Don't waste your precious hour debating your plans. Execute them. Your wife has given you a priceless gift of her absolute co-operation for one hour, so don't squander this gift. Take your beautiful bride by the hand and lead her to the sofa. Sit down and pull her down over your lap. That's right - over your lap. You need her to be safely positioned so you don't harm her, and having her bottom in full view lets you keep her safe. Tell her that she is about to get her first spanking from you, and that it is to help her mark the end of an era never to be repeated in your home. Emphasize your statement with a few well placed smacks on her upturned rear end. She will probably be protesting by this stage. Tell her she needs to be quiet and listen, because you are going to be telling her some very important things that she won't want to miss or forget.

Raise her skirt or lower her pants so her underwear is exposed. The extra layer of clothing will afford her too much protection and muffle your communication. She will hear more when there is less between your hand and her buttocks. Continue telling her what the new phase in your marriage will be like as you swat her pantied behind. She may be yelling or squirming by this stage, but don't let that deter you. After about five minutes, lower her panties. This is for her own safety. Feel free to explain that to her. You don't want to unnecessarily harm your wife, so you need to know the condition that her bottom is in. Her bottom needs to be exposed for you to make this judgment. Keep the spanking rhythmic and balanced: left, right, left, right... and for variety, throw the occasional swat across the middle of her globes, which she may be clenching tightly at this stage in the hope of alleviating some of the sting. Keep speaking in a soft, soothing voice. Raise your volume a little if she is making a lot of noise. Don't be too restrictive about the noise she makes. After all, this is all new to your wife and she will be feeling a little panicked. Give her some space to express herself.

Keep spanking, even when she begs you to stop, when she calls you an abusive beast, when she starts promising to be good, when she threatens to divorce you. You have an important message to share with her, and you cannot let her distract you from that. Her bottom will go through a variety of color changes. At first it will blush a little, then the blush will darken into a rose glow. The rosiness will eventually transform into a deep red. Her emotions will also go through various stages. She may start off co-operative, become more vocal and resistant as the sting builds up, perhaps become angry and commanding, and eventually her resistance should dissolve. She may cry as she accepts her fate and surrenders to you.

Expect these stages, and don't let them rattle you. Will the spanking hurt your wife? It surely will, but the pain will fade quite quickly after the spanking ends. Will it hurt you more than it hurts her? Probably not, but your hand will be pretty sore before you are done. Remember that this spanking is not about causing your wife pain. It is about inviting in a new era in your home: one where peace will reign because you have the courage to take the leadership of your home seriously. This spanking is your chance to get your wife's full attention so you can tell her how your new home and this new phase in your marriage will work. You've been thinking about how you want to lead for a long time now, so your speech is well rehearsed. This is your chance to share your vision with your wife without her cutting you off or stomping on your ideas. Be bold and talk - you only have one hour. If you communicate your ideas carefully, one swat at a time, you should end up with a wife who shares your excitement about changing your marriage and who will look at you through new eyes. That spanking will earn you a few respect points you never had before, so use them wisely. Will you need to spank your wife again? Perhaps. Time will tell. But if it is needed again, you will know what to do.

14 September 2012

Ten Reasons to Fear the Label of Submissive Wife

Have you ever been called names? Has anyone ever labelled you with a negative tag? Sadly, many women dread the label of "submissive wife". Instead of being a worthy badge of honor that all wives should strive to claim as their own, this label has become feared. Why do so many women run from the challenge of submitting to their husbands? Many proudly proclaim that they will NEVER allow their husbands to tell them what to do, or permit the husbands to make decisions on their behalf. They explain that they believe in equality, and that a man shouldn't lead the woman. Then they justify their stance by explaining that they really are better at leadership than their husbands are, that they are more intelligent, more confident, more... in effect, these ladies justify why THEY (and not their husbands) are the boss in the home.
What scares the average woman when she thinks of trying to explore a more traditional marriage? Do your own poll amongst the ladies you know. You may be amazed to hear the reasons that many women cling to. Below is a short list of some of the fears that evidence themselves as a resistance to becoming submissive in a marriage.
It is believed that if you are a submissive wife, then:
1. You will not be allowed to think for yourself. You will never make any decisions in your marriage, and your ideas will always be disregarded.
2. You will forfeit your freedom and be told by your husband what to do and when to do it for the rest of your married life. Your life will be scheduled for you, as it once was when you were a toddler.
3. You will eventually lose the physical ability to think and decide for yourself, leaving yourself vulnerable and incapable of looking after yourself should your husband leave you through death or divorce.
4. You will be required to obey any command your husband gives, even if you disagree or fear that the command will compromise your safety.
5. You will be punished for disobeying your husband, and he will have full control (within the bounds of the law) over the punishment he chooses to administer. He can ground you, keep you from talking to your family and friends, limit your time on the internet, or give you extra chores to do. He can even spank your naked bottom if he so chooses.
6.  You will end up doing all the chores in the house, while your husband will lie on the couch and issue orders. In essence, you will become a maid who cooks and cleans and serves your husband.
7. You will not be allowed to have or express an opinion. You will only be allowed to express your husband's opinion (if he allows you to speak).
8. You will have to suppress your real self in order to become the woman your husband expects you to be. Your whole personality will change, and it will be especially traumatic for high-spirited, strong-willed women who don't naturally lean towards submission.
9. You will be ridiculed by other women for being weak and easily manipulated by a man. Other people judge us by the roles we take on, and submissive wives are judged as being weak and unable to function without a man to tell her what to do.
10. You will learn to hate your marriage and your husband. Feeling trapped and unfulfilled are part of the life of a submissive wife.

13 September 2012

The Submissive Wife: A Taboo Subject

What image springs to mind when the term "submissive wife" is mentioned? Do you imagine a quiet, little mouse of a woman who is terrified to speak her mind? Do you see her husband speaking on her behalf all the time? Do you associate  words such as "indecisive", "uncertain", "weak", and "unfulfilled" with submissive wives? Perhaps you imagine such a wife feeling lonely, oppressed, and in constant fear of her husband? Is the submissive wife imprisoned in her home, made to feel like a doormat that her husband walks all over, or humiliated by the one who once vowed to love and protect her? Is the submissive wife simply the unappreciated slave of her husband?
It not unusual for modern, "liberated" women to omit the part of the old fashioned wedding vow that binds the wife to OBEY her husband. Those courageous women who dare to include this part of the vow are seldom viewed as the courageous, strong women that they are. Instead, more often than not they are perceived as:
(a) Dishonest: They are not truly honorable people as no-one actually expects them to observe that vow and keep their word given at the altar of marriage.
(b) Stupid: These women are unintelligent, weak-minded individuals who have no clue what they are promising to their husbands, and probably deserve a life of enslavement because they clearly cannot think for themselves.
Many women who have embraced the challenge of submitting to their husbands know that it is a life-long journey they have embarked on. You don't wake up the morning after your wedding, or the day after you chose to become submissive, and suddenly submit perfectly. A wife becomes submissive one day at a time. It's a journey, a process, and from time to time the wife will stumble and fall. She is on the high road of marriage, and not everyone manages to stay on this road. It's a long road that winds through the duration of the marriage, and it's rocky and steep at times. It offers rewards along the way that no other path through marriage offers, and it's worth the effort.
What do the women who take this journey look like?
They are as varied in nature, personality, and appearance as the women on other journeys through life. You will see skinny, overweight, and athletic ladies. There will be quiet, shy wives, and bubbly, outgoing wives. Some will be perfectly groomed, and others will be living your bad-hair-day every day. Some will have careers away from the home, and others will be full-time moms. On the surface submissive wives will look like wives across the planet look, but inside they will be a breed of their own. Submissive wives, perhaps not yet perfectly submissive but reaching for that goal, are tough, courageous, tenacious, and willing to learn. They are the kind of ladies who will stand up against the flow of mediocrity and dare to be different. They want something amazing for their marriage and they will make sacrifices to get it. They are willing to surrender their own goals and desires, and adopt those of their husband and leader, to give their marriage the best chance of success. These are not selfish, weak-minded women who huddle in a corner and play the defeated victim. Submissive wives are the Joans-of-Arc of modern marriage, possessing vision (for sharing a marriage that works well), courage (to choose a lifestyle that modern society frowns upon), and the tenacity to keep pushing forward in the submission journey.
If submissive wives are actually the kind of women to be envied, why do so many people choose to pity them? Why is submission such a touchy subject that most people are afraid to talk about? Why do women warn other women against submitting to their husbands? Why do men hide the seriousness of the subject in callous jokes? Why is the concept of a submissive wife brushed from the average home and assigned to those with "marginal lifestyles"? Why won't ministers preach about it if its in the Bible? Why won't parents discuss this aspect of the marriage relationship with their teenagers? 
Living a life of submission to your husband threatens many women on the brink of marriage or those who are already married. If this fear is not justified, why does it still persist? 

11 September 2012

Too Old For a Spanking

“My wife is too old for a spanking.” Is she indeed? How old is too old? If domestic discipline is part of your marriage by mutual agreement, then there is no upper limit at which this agreement expires. The husband retains the responsibility to lead his wife for as long as he is her husband. Likewise, the wife has the responsibility to remain submissive to her husband until death liberates her from the marriage bond.

A husband who owns his authority as leader in the home has a life-long responsibility to his wife. He must be prepared to exercise his authority at all times. If marital spanking is part of how a husband helps his wife grow in her submission, then that spanking shouldn’t fade out as the grey hairs appear and the energy levels drop. Certainly one can expect the need for punishment spankings to lessen as the years pass and a couple grows closer and matures emotionally. A husband and wife who love each other will learn to serve each other better as the years pass. A wife who has matured in her submissive role is unlikely to disregard her husband, show him disrespect, or blatantly disobey him. A husband who has shouldered his leadership responsibilities and learned to lead wisely will most likely have learned that his highest calling is to love and serve his wife. His choices will enrich the life of his darling wife and encourage her to reach higher levels of submission as he grows in his authority. The call for a husband to subject his wife to punishment spankings will become more faint as the couple grows up together.

The need for communication, however, will never end. It doesn’t matter how emotionally mature a couple becomes - they will always need to share their deepest, most intimate thoughts with each other if the marriage is to remain healthy. Marital spanking, at its very heart, is a poorly understood, yet very powerful form of communication between a husband and wife. It can be practiced on the wedding night. It can be practiced every day thereafter for as long as that couple should live. It can be started decades after a couple’s wedding. There is no right time or wrong time to incorporate marital spanking into a marriage. And there is no end point that should be imposed based on age.

But isn’t spanking too physically demanding for elderly folk? Obviously, age-related illness or disability may make some spanking positions difficult or impossible. Where a spanking position or technique that was once comfortable becomes too difficult to use, the couple should consider adapting the position or the implement(s) used. Giving up spanking because it takes a little more effort than it once did is dangerous for the integrity of the marriage. By excluding the experience of the husband reddening his wife’s bare bottom from the repertoire of communication tools, the couple that once spanked is choosing to share less of themselves with each other. The less we share with our partners, the less we grow as a couple. Inevitably, as the communication diminishes, spouses drift apart. But this drift is unnecessary. Every couple can finish strong. Drifting apart in the latter years of marriage is as much a choice as it is in the first few years of marriage, or anywhere in between. If you once included spanking in your marriage and quit because you felt you were too old, go back to your “old tricks”. If you have never included spanking in your marriage, and feel you are now both too old to even consider it, think again. Read, educate yourself, and then take the plunge and try out some “old fashioned” marriage activities.

10 September 2012

Five Steps to Becoming a More Patient Spouse

Tired of the constant bickering in your marriage? Looking for a way to get past the little irritations that stir up anger or resentment? We have all heard the incredible stories of divorces that can be traced back to the most silly elements: the cap that is always left off the toothpaste, the toilet seat that is never put down, the husband who always leaves his dirty laundry on the floor, the wife who covers every surface in the bathroom with her make-up goodies. Those problems may not apply to your relationship, but if you give it some thought, you may well identify some other seemingly insignificant elements that always manage to rattle your cool and trigger an argument. According to blogger Eddie Lewis, the solution to stifling the urge to argue with your spouse is rooted in something everyone can develop and practise: good, old fashioned PATIENCE. 

I have been following Eddie's excellent series on what love is, and I recommend this series for anyone (irrespective of your faith) who wants to understand love better. This series of blogs explains love in terms of the adjectives listed in the Bible, and goes a step further to make the teachings practical and applicable to everyday living. The second post on patience caught my attention because patience is characteristic of successful, loving, old fashioned marriages. I raised a question on that blog to which Eddie Lewis provided a very practical answer: some simple steps that any couple can follow to get past the easily-annoyed, quickly-angered, tantrum stage of their marriage. Eddie graciously granted permission for the sharing of the following extract from his blog entitled "Five Steps to Patience":

Step One: Prayer

I think to be more patient, it begins with actually desiring that in your life. If you do not want to be patient, there is no way to fake it. I believe that the way we learn to desire patience is through wisdom. When we can see, through our mind’s eye, the multitude of rewards that come from patience, how could we desire anything BUT patience? So, the first step in becoming more patient is prayer. The Bible clearly says that God will give us wisdom if we ask for it. Pray for wisdom about patience and through that wisdom you should be able to see the benefits of patience, which should translate into the desire to become more patient.

I must stress once again that patience is impossible to fake. Without this desire, you cannot be patient.

Step Two: Plan

The second step is planning. Most of the stuff that pushes our buttons does not only happen once. If we stop and think about those things that make us respond emotionally, we can identify them in advance, before they happen again. When you recognize an emotional trigger, do something about it. Make a plan. What will you do differently next time? What can you do to avoid having that button pushed in the first place? When you plan your responses in advance, you can modify a lot of your own behaviors. For those triggers that you find to be too strong for planning, when you continue to react the way you were programmed to react, it is possible to reprogram that reaction over time. Until that happens, it’s important to avoid that trigger as much as possible (which also involves planning).

I have always been annoyed by the saying, “That’s the way I am and I’ll never change.” The truth is, we are all capable of changing. In fact, I would go as far as to say that none of us are capable of avoiding change in our lives. If you think your emotional triggers are “hard wired”, think again. You can change that part of who you are. But you have to want to do it and you have to make a plan.

Step Three: Communicate

The third step is to communicate your plan. This step is somewhat new to me. I have learned the hard way that a plan is no plan at all if it is contained within our own minds. We must express our expectations to other people. Let’s say that you and your spouse have been having fights about money. If you have gone through the first two steps, you desire and have prayed for wisdom/patience, you have made a plan about the things the two of you have been fighting about and the triggers you have recognized, now is the time to tell your spouse what that plan is. Being patient is not a different way of fighting the battle. It’s more like giving up the fight and taking that first step towards working together. So there is no room for secrets here.

I will be the first one to admit that this is my weakest area on this topic. I am a good planner, but I have been self employed for my entire life. I have never had a real need to communicate those plans to anyone else. It is very difficult for me to tell someone what my plans are and to map out my expectations. But it is extremely important to do this. Without this part of the process, you are still fighting with your spouse. You are still trying to “go it alone” when the two of you should be working together.

I remember when my ex left me and I literally begged her to try to work things out. I tried everything I could to get her to give our marriage a chance. Her response? She said “I already tried working it out.”

I hope this rings a bell with every married person who reads this comment. When you try to work things out on your own, you are still working against your spouse, not with him/her.

Fourth Step: Defend and Execute

The fourth step in becoming more patient is to defend and execute your plan. I put defend and execute in the same step because they are the same thing. And no, I am not saying that you should defend your plan against your spouse. I am saying that there will be many challenges to your plan. Do not give up just because it got hard. Do not give up just because it’s taking you longer than you expected. A good plan involves breaking larger goals into smaller steps. Being patient is a large goal. Do not be discouraged if it takes a while. It’s going to take a long time to make such drastic changes in your life. And unfortunately, that period of time will actually seem to take even longer than it actually does.

Also, it’s important to be wise enough to recognize when to break through an obstacle or to just go around it. Sometimes plans need to be slightly modified. And, unfortunately, sometimes those modifications seem to other people as if you are quitting. Keep your eye on your final objective. A good example of this is for those triggers that you cannot modify or reprogram in the short term. I’m not saying that you should stop trying to modify them, but it is important to not allow those unmodified triggers to divert you from your ultimate goal. Know when to go around the obstacle, know when to avoid that trigger completely in order to reach the final objective.

Fifth Step: Evaluation

The fifth step is evaluation. A goal like “being more patient” is a life long pursuit. If you use hiking as an analogy, the landmarks you use to reach your goals will change as you make your way further in that direction. When out hiking, it is important to stop now and again to readjust your bearings. The same is true in your efforts to become more patient. Take time now and again to evaluate your progress. Look at what you’ve done right and at what needs to be done better. Make adjustments to your plan based on your successes and failures.

Another reason for the fourth step is to give you confidence. When you take a step back to see how far you’ve come, it always gives you more confidence to face what lays ahead.

I know that this five step plan sounds like it comes straight out of a self help book. For me, these steps were several months in the making. I had to follow these steps to make the progress I’ve made so far. And none of it came from a self help book. All of this that I’ve shared in this comment is stuff I learned from reading the Bible. I lived through some changes in my own patience and went to the Bible for help every time I had a problem.

Thank you, Eddie Lewis, for allowing us to repost this extract from  "Five Steps to Patience".

The five steps to becoming a more patient spouse make the excuse of "I am not naturally patient" redundant. Getting upset over the little things is entirely optional. If you continue to let the little things chew at your sense of peace and erode the harmony in your marriage, you must accept that you are doing this by choice. If a more harmonious marriage is what you desire, you can make a move in the right direction today. The five steps listed above will point you in the right direction. Whether you are the husband who aspires to lead his home confidently, or the wife who longs to be more submissive, patience remains the key to taking your relationship to the next level.  

07 September 2012

How the Wife can Help a Husband with a Quitter Attitude - Part II

In the first part of “How the Wife can Help a Husband with a Quitter Attitude”, the problem of husbands who shy away from home leadership is introduced. Husbands who avoid leadership are commonly characterized by a lack of confidence in their ability to lead their wife and children. Unfortunately, this lack of confidence often goes unnoticed by the wives. Why? These same husbands are confident leaders outside of the home, in their workplaces. The wives expect the same strength of leadership from their men at home, and take it personally when the husbands choose a passive route to the backseat of home leadership. Wives typically try encouraging, then begging, and eventually start nagging their husbands to take responsibility. The criticism from the wives becomes more harsh as the husbands become less responsive and more withdrawn. The more critical and frustrated the wives become, the more their frustration boils over in harsh words that erode the confidence of the men. The result is a society of strong, capable men with a bad case of part-time lack-of-confidence. And the frustrating part is that these husbands only exhibit symptoms of this “condition” at home or in the presence of their wives.

Part I highlighted the fact that the nagging and criticism on the part of the wife does not help a husband rise to the challenge of leadership. Few men experience the “I am going to show her that she is wrong about me” urge and use that to motivate the leader in them to emerge. Instead, the constant verbal battering causes these husbands to retreat into themselves. They take up hobbies that keep them in the garage or at a friend’s house. They do over-time at work to minimize the time they spend at home. The husband gets up and goes to sleep at different times to his wife. On the surface, he appears to lose interest in his wife, his children, and his responsibilities around the house. In essence, the husband gives up hope on ever being the leader in his home.

So what can the wife do to help her husband shrug off this hopeless, quitter attitude and step into his role? He needs to build his confidence at home. How can his wife help him? Fortunately, there are some practical steps that a wife can take to help her husband build his confidence as the home leader.

Step ONE

It is clear that refraining from criticizing her husband is the first step. This is a tough one for most women. Once the habit of complaining has been established, it takes effort to ban negative comments from slipping out of your mouth. (And yes, the wife will be able to justify most of her moans - if she is married to a man who feels small inside, he will sometimes do silly, irresponsible things that are undeniably “childish” and “immature”.) But, every wife who wants a better marriage can take this first step. It starts with a choice. Make the decision to focus on the positive: if it’s not positive, don’t allow yourself to say it. If a critical comment (even if it is justified in your view) gets past your guard, immediately apologize to your husband. Do it right there, in front of your children or guests if they are present. Your husband is a grown man. He doesn’t need you pointing out everything he is doing wrong, but he may need you to help him see what he is doing right.

In the beginning, a wife may end up offering more apologies than positive comments and encouragements, and it may feel like little progress is being made. Do not become the quitter. Hang in there, wives. It takes time to change bad habits, and constant nagging and criticism of your husband is a bad habit. It is bad enough to cost some couples their marriage, so don’t convince yourself that it is insignificant. If you offer sincere apologies when you say something that will break down your husband’s confidence, it can go a long way to overbalancing on the side of building that confidence. A sincere apology tells him that you respect him and regret hurting him with your disrespectful words. Respected men become confident men.

Step TWO

Fill the void created by all the absent negative comments with positive observations. Your husband may be alarmed by the silence if you suddenly stop talking because all your previous conversations were basically nag sessions. Be on the lookout for things your husband is doing well. Compliment him on those things. Be sincere. If you are not, he will know. Do not lie. Don’t fabricate “accomplishments” on his part, just so you can have something to say. If you compliment him for things that are not true, it will do a lot of damage to the credibility of any subsequent compliments. What kind of things should you compliment your husband on? Listen to him and watch what he does, and you will soon have a long list of your own. The best compliments are those which focus on your husband acting like a leader. For example, if he made a decision confidently on behalf of the family (even if you didn’t agree with his decision), let him know that you appreciate him making the decision after taking the family’s needs into consideration. In the past, you may have used this opportunity to whine about how you didn’t get what you wanted, or how he was selfish in his decision, or how he was taking too long to decide. This time, focus on the fact that he actually took that decision decisively, like a leader should. Don’t kill the compliment by exaggerating his prowess as a leader. Keep it simple and let your husband feel like this little step towards being the head of the home is worth the effort it took him. The chances are that he was nervous to be so decisive around you, when you are probably a lot more confident at making decisions affecting the home than he is. This little step in your eyes may be a leap of faith on his part, so don’t take it lightly. When you compliment the step he took, it encourages him to try doing that again. And THAT is what you want, isn’t it? You want your husband to become more confident as the leader.


Support the leadership steps your husband takes with your action. If you are at step three, you have come a long way. You are working on mastering your mouth, and keeping a tight rein on your sharp tongue when a criticism is just begging to be uttered. You are working on complimenting your husband’s progress as the leader. Isn’t that enough? There is another step you can take that will supercharge your husband’s confidence growth. You need to actually back up that compliment with supportive action. Let’s consider again the example of your husband making that decision on behalf of the family. Remember that this decision is the one which you didn’t agree with. As a good wife, you refrained from telling him he was wrong. You also found the courage to tell him what you appreciated about him making the decision the way he did. But deep down you still think he made a huge mistake, don’t you? Step three is the hardest one. You find your strength for this step in your love for your husband. You are going to not only say you support his decision, but you are going to actually do that in a practical way even if it means sacrificing your own personal goals and opinions. In step three, you put your husband’s will ahead of your own. You not only say you support his decision, but you start doing things that align with his decision (which you may still have your doubts about). You put aside your own agenda and you adopt the agenda your husband set for the family. You ensure that every small decision you make lines up with that agenda. At first, it may be hard to be enthusiastic when you still are not convinced that your husband’s idea is best for you. But again, this is the time for you to demonstrate that you are not a quitter. When you find yourself struggling to take ownership of the agenda your husband chose as the leader, cast your inner gaze back onto the fact that you love your husband. If you can find no other reason to fight for his cause, do it for love. The more you take ownership of the leader’s decisions, the more your submissive (and step three is ALL about submission) behavior will feed the confidence of your husband. Be tenacious. Before long you will wake up one morning and realize you are married to the kind of husband who not only has the strength and the confidence to lead his home and family, but is actually exercising that authority on a daily basis.

Three simple steps carried out with courage by the wives will help husbands grow their confidence as the leader in the home. It hasn’t been mentioned yet, but this simple approach has some amazing benefits for the wife. As your husband grows in his confidence and ability as the leader of the home, so you will be growing into your role as a submissive wife. This journey into submission will not be the result of you trying to be more submissive. It will be the result of you GIVING of yourself so that your husband can become the man he is called to be. In you giving selflessly to your soul mate, you will be rewarded with growth in the very area you struggle most with. It doesn’t end there. As each of you grows into your marital role, you also grow closer together and discover new levels of intimacy. Being brave enough to take three simple steps is a small price to pay for so many good things.

06 September 2012

Five Types of Old Fashioned Marital Spankings

Was spanking really part of the marriages of yesteryear? Haven't you wondered if it's just an urban legend or a shadow of a dark fairytale? It may be difficult to believe that husbands spanking their wives was once an accepted practice given our modern world where equality reins. But, a little reading into the history of the last century will confirm it. Imagine your sweet, quiet dad throwing your opinionated, strong-willed mom over his knee and giving her a sound spanking for disrespecting him. Perhaps that's a little more than your imagination can tolerate? If it wasn't happening with your parents and grandparents, you can be sure it was happening in other marriages just a few short decades ago.

But why, you may ask, was the pop of yesteryear spanking the mom? Back then, spankings were given for a variety of reasons. Those reasons are not too different from what you will hear reported by couples practising domestic discipline today. The reasons why a husband might administer a spanking to his wife fall into a number of broad categories. The following is not intended to be an exhaustive list of the types of marital spankings, and readers are encouraged to suggest additional categories we may have overlooked:

1. Punishment Spankings
The husband is the leader and has the authority to make and defend the rules of the home. If he believes his wife is being dishonest, or choosing to disobey or defy him, and that this behavior needs to change, he may choose to punish his wife as a means to modify her behavior. A physical form of punishment like spanking should be agreed upon before it becomes necessary to administer such punishment. The wife must give her consent to a punishment spanking - it is not forced upon her. This consent should be given long before any punishment is ever necessary, and the husband should hold the wife accountable for granting that consent. Punishment spankings tend to be the most painful spankings delivered by the husband, and are usually not commonplace. You are unlikely to find a wife who actually derives pleasure from being punished with a spanking.

2. Tension-Relieving Spankings
When the tension in a home mounts, it becomes difficult for the husband to lead and the wife to submit. Unresolved tension leads to short tempers, bickering, acts of disrespect and selfishness, and a gradual breakdown of the authority of the husband and submissive state-of-mind of the wife. A husband may choose to address the presence of tension with the physical act of spanking his wife. This often proves more effective than trying to talk through issues when both partners are uptight and stressed out. Stressed out people often struggle to talk about their bottled up feelings, so it makes sense to relieve stress before trying to talk. The physical nature of administering a spanking helps the husband relax in much the same way as taking other exercise might relax him. Going for a jog, however, is usually only beneficial to the runner. The downside of going for a jog (which is certainly a healthy way to exercise) is that it does nothing for enhancing the husband's confidence as the leader in the home. By rather administering a spanking, the husband is helping himself rise to the challenge of leadership (and growing his confidence), unwinding through the physical act of spanking (ask any husband who has delivered a long spanking - it is physically demanding work), while also helping his wife relax. A slow-paced, light to moderately intense spanking may have a similar therapeutic effect for the wife to that experienced when receiving a back massage. A spanking that is more intense and which brings the wife to tears may prove even more relaxing for her. For many women, weeping is an effective way to relieve tension. It may be difficult for a woman to get to the point of weeping on her own, particularly if she has been bracing herself to handle the extra stress for an extended period of time. A long, hard spanking can help a strong, very controlled woman with a high pain-threshold to cry, and ultimately to relax.

3. Refocusing Spankings
Long work hours, too many commitments, and the general busy-ness of life can distract the husband and wife from their roles in the marriage. The more the husband and wife drift away from the traditional roles, the more generic their roles become. Eventually their non-traditional roles will no longer be distinct. They will share the leadership authority. The focus will shift to equal workloads and equality in bearing responsibility. In time, the marriage will lose a leader, and the sexual chemistry between the partners will fade. Opposites attract, but generic marriage roles produce "similars". The husband becomes a quazi-wife and the wife becomes a semi-husband. A couple that once represented "husband" and "wife" now begins to represent "spouse" and "spouse" (which is definitely a recipe for putting out the sexual fire). When either or both of the spouses recognize that this role drift is happening, a refocusing spanking can be the ideal solution. Such a spanking is not punishment for a naughty wife, and it is not tension-relief for an overworked husband. The couple may be feeling no tension in their relationship. Rather, they may be feeling more distant from each other. A refocusing spanking reminds the husband that he is the leader and that he has the responsibility of authority in the home. It reminds the wife that her role is to submit to her husband, lovingly and respectfully. The intensity of refocusing spankings may vary from one spanking to the next. Refocusing spankings of extended duration are best - they give the couple plenty of time to think about their roles while each partner is acting out a representation of their role: the husband spanks and demonstrates his authority, while the wife submits and accepts the spanking her husband gives her.

4. Maintenance Spankings
Maintenance spankings are spankings administered at regular intervals. For some couples, these spankings occur daily. Others prefer one maintenance spanking per week, or spankings delivered with much longer intervals. As the name suggests, these spanking help "maintain" the integrity of the marriage roles. Much like refocusing spankings, but perhaps more deliberate and less spontaneous, maintenance spankings help to regularly remind the husband that he is in charge and the wife that she is to submit to the husband. Some couples use the maintenance spankings as an opportunity to address other issues with the result that a punishment spanking may follow a maintenance spanking from time to time. Because maintenance spankings are always scheduled and regular, they can help ensure that couples set aside time to talk and be intimate (important elements for relationship growth).

5. Fun Spankings
Purists of the domestic discipline school of thought dissociate pleasure from pain. They believe that spankings are purely for the purpose of punishment and should never be enjoyed by the spanker or the spankee. These folk frown upon fun spankings. But even amongst the purists, few will deny that spanking does have an erotic element to it. This erotic side may be completely blanked out during an unpleasant, but necessary punishment. But even with a punishment spanking which is not sexual in nature, many people report feeling more attracted to their spouse in the hours after the punishment. Even a non-fun punishment spanking can have long-term "fun" effects that encourage pleasure sharing during intimacy. Fun spanking, however, have no element of punishment to them. Any man with a healthy libido should enjoy the sight of his wife's body. Having your wife's naked or panty-covered bottom under your hand can indeed be arousing, and even more so when this tactile sensation is accompanied by the slapping sound of flesh on flesh, and the sight of skin beginning to glow.  Because spankings help to emphasize the marriage roles, they tend to encourage a greater sense of attraction between the husband and wife. A fun spanking can easily be incorporated as a form of foreplay which then leads to deeper levels of intimacy. A fun spanking can be as simple as a few swats on your wife's clothed behind as she washes the dishes (and you dry them, of course). It can be carefully planned and complemented by sensual lighting and special clothing choices. It can spontaneous - grab your wife as she emerges dripping wet from the shower, pull her over your knee, and add some rosiness to her wet bottom. The bottom line is that fun spankings are entirely enjoyable and are not meant to correct behavior. They should not induce excessive pain, but should be pleasurable for the wife and the husband. A husband should always ensure that the wife knows when a spanking is only for fun. It is important to make this clear at the outset so she can also enjoy the fun. If she is left wondering what she did wrong to earn a stinging, wet-bottom spanking, she might be entirely submissive but with her thoughts far from the intimate playtime that the husband envisaged.

A husband may spank his wife for reasons only they as a couple will comprehend. Domestic discipline is a very personal choice for a couple. It takes courage to go against the norms of modern society, and do something that you believe will enhance your marriage. Domestic discipline can enrich a marriage, but not everyone will agree with that viewpoint. Whether a husband gives his wife a spanking as punishment, for tension-relief, to facilitate refocusing on the marriage roles, for maintenance purposes, or simply for fun, it should be remembered that the spanking is a form of two-way communication. The spanking is the husband's gift to the wife, and her gift to the husband, especially at times when words seem inadequate. 

Spanking Relieves Tension

What happens when stress levels rise in your home? Is there a lot of shouting? Are there senseless arguments that include mudslinging and name-calling, but no real problem-solving? Does the husband withdraw and become silent? Does he slam doors and leave the house? Does the wife get emotional and critical? Does she pull out her mental list and point out all the weaknesses of her husband?
Each couple responds to stress differently. Most are fully aware of the tension, but have no idea of how to resolve it. They may try pretending that there is no problem. When the silence becomes unbearable, the bickering takes over. The husband and wife convince themselves that they are talking about the problem, but they are seldom listening to each other. Feeling unlistened to makes the speaker try harder to be heard. The bickering becomes an argument. The rational exchanges becomes self-centered and critical. Some couples hang in there and the argument becomes loud, marked with angry accusations. Others stop the argument abruptly and leave behind unresolved issues that are never spoken of again. Either route leads to a home filled with tension, where its hard for a husband to lovingly lead and a wife to choose submission.
What can be done to swiftly reduce the tension in the home? Is there a way to prevent bickering and domestic unrest? In a marriage where spanking is part of the couple's communication repetoire, the solution is close at hand. It simply takes the husband or the wife to have the courage to choose spanking at that volatile moment.
Ideally, the husband should propose a spanking as the way to cut through all the argumentative nonsense and get the couple back to a relaxed frame of mind. This not the time to introduce the topic of spanking or to debate how appropriate it would be. (The role of spanking in the marriage should have been discussed long before the onset of an argument, when the couple could share their thoughts without emotion.) In times of tension, most people don't communicate clearly with words - they end up saying things they later regret. They explain themeselves poorly. Emotion distorts what people hear. Too much talking can be damaging at a time when there is a lot of emotion in the mix. This is the time for the leader to act more than to talk.
Once the husband has informed his wife that he will be spanking her, he should proceed with his proposal. If the husband is too uptight to even think of spanking and his wife is more clear-headed at the time, she can just as easily be the one to ASK for a spanking as a means to resolve tension. It is imperative that the wife actually ask, and not insist on a spanking or demand that her husband deliver one. By asking, she reinforces his authority as the leader and helps him step back into that role. By asking for the spanking, she also reinforces her own position of submission and relinquishes control of the situation to her husband. The simple act of announcing an impending spanking or asking for one can go a long way to relieving tension. The spanking itself will then open the door to resolving the rest of the tension.


05 September 2012

No Time to Spank

Does it sometimes feel like your days are getting shorter? In years gone by, I remember that is what the older folk would grumble about. They would say how it seemed that there was less time in a day, and then they blamed it all on modern technology for stealing the time from them. They may well have been right about the time being stolen (although we won't try to track down the thief right now). If people were feeling the pressure fifty years ago, imagine how time-challenged we are today. Almost everyone I have met (young people, too) now suffers from a Time-Deficient Disorder.

How does the apparent shortage of time influence the peace in the home? No longer do families sit down together and enjoy a meal at the table at least once a day. Couples don't chat about their hopes and dreams as they once did when they were courting. Sex is rushed - its all about getting to the destination quickly to make time to do more important things. Romantic dinners are interrupted by calls on the cell phone. Leisurely walks in the park, holding hands, are replaced by individual power sessions at the gym where your ears are plugged closed with your own choice of music - no room for sharing the tunes you love. The very activities that fostered healthy communication are gradually being erased from our lifestyles and homes. And as those activities disappear so does the health of the marriage and the family life.

In the endless rushing from one deadline to the next, even couples in old fashioned marriages get caught up in the whirlwind of mindless activity. The demands of work, children, and even selfless activities like community service or church volunteering, start to distract the husband and wife from their commitment to their roles in the marriage. Obviously, work, family, and others that we serve are important. It makes sense to include them in our lives, but how easily do we overcommit our time and at what price? Will the endless hurry and pursuit of work deadlines and the striving to give the children everything we think they should have be enough to satisfy us when the marriage falls apart?

As our days seem to get shorter, we are forced to cut some things to make space for others that we perceive as more important. Sadly, the one element that gets trimmed first is basic communication with those we love. After all, they understand us already so this is the safest place to trim our commitments. We convince ourselves that we won't lose much if we make the cut-backs at home. Everyone will understand. Perhaps our loved ones can't yet read our minds, but we trust them to understand our body language, our mumbles and grunts, and the half sentences we throw their way as we rush to answer the cell phone.
Husbands who once spanked stop spanking their wives, despite knowing this form of communication enriches the marriage. Their excuse? It takes too long and it is tiring at the end of a stressful day at work. Wives avoid spankings, even when the husband makes time for it. Their excuse? They are exhausted and they still have loads of tasks to complete before bed time. They argue that a spanking can wait until there is more time. But can it? Can communication between a husband and wife really wait until everything else has been taken care of? Shouldn't taking care of each other be the first priority? Should a wife not put her husband and the health of her relationship with him before the laundry, and the kids' homework, and her career? Should the husband not put his wife first, remembering that all his hard work is intended to build a better life for their family? What is the point of all the long work hours and mountains of money  earned if you don't have someone you love to share it with?

Is there really no time to share a cup of coffee with your wife (with the television switched off), to read a few pages of your favorite book to your wife, to put her over your knee and spank her until she remembers that you are the head of the home? Is there really no time to write your husband a little love note and slip it into his coat pocket as he leaves for work? Is there really no time to listen to his ranting about his job, to do the little things he has asked you to do, to let him think long enough to confidently make his decisions without getting impatient and telling him how to think and what to do? What will you do in the next 24 hours to enrich your marriage and invest in your future?

04 September 2012

The Inconvenience of Marital Spanking

Spanking your wife may sound like a glamorous and sexy activity, but that is probably because you have  been watching movies you should have avoided. Spanking as a purely sensual or sexual experience could give you goosebumps, a rush of sensation, and a flash of Hollywood glamour, but that's only a small part of what marital spanking involves. Marital spanking is hard work: for the husband and the wife. The excerpt below (from the Prologue of "Fresh Produce" by Arend van Loggeren) highlights a couple of the "less than convenient" elements of a traditional marriage that incorporates domestic discipline, and specifically marital spanking.
Highlight #1: When a spanking is necessary, it must be administered even when it is uncomfortable for the husband and/or the wife. Necessary spanking is seldom sexy and fun.
Highlight #2: The husband and wife debate and discuss issues, but it is the husband who bears the ultimate responsibility for making decisions in the home. The wife is responsible for submitting to his authority even when she disagrees with his decision.
Highlight #3: The marriage is not a democracy and equality is never an issue, even when society says it should be.

"A traditional marriage may seem too old-fashioned for most couples, but Luke and Ellen are not the kind of people to be swayed by the fashion of the day. The traditional approach worked for their parents and grandparents, and as far as Luke and Ellen can tell, there is no reason to change something that works well.

Luke's  role as head of the household is never taken lightly. With equal enthusiasm, Ellen works hard at transforming herself into the submissive wife. In theory, they have the perfect relationship: distinct roles with clear boundaries and well defined expectations of each other. Unfortunately, the perfect theoretical harmony of their old-fashioned marriage sometimes falls prey to the damaging influences of modern life. When that happens, it's time for an old-fashioned remedy.
Luke is a man of action and responds quickly to any external influence that threatens the integrity of their marriage. As natural leader,  he doesn't hesitate to rise to the challenge of being the head of his household. When action must be taken, Luke readily puts his own comfort second. Duty always comes first. Unfortunately for Ellen, the action that is called for often takes the form of old-fashioned discipline.

Ellen is a quick-thinking, intelligent woman. While not quite Luke's equal as a natural leader, she can more than hold her own and comes a close second. Her tendency to grab the reins and issue orders is a constant source of friction in their marriage. Luke is not a man who will be ordered around by his wife, no matter how competent she is as a leader. Ellen has been reminded of this the hard way, many times over.
Despite her apparent battle with submission, Ellen's heart is in the right place. She loves her husband, values her marriage, and takes her marriage vows seriously. When she promised to respect and obey her husband, she meant it. What she didn't realize was how difficult it would be to keep her word and at the same time live in a world which has trained her to resist submission.

Luke readily acknowledges his wife's myriad of talents and capacity to lead. He does not, however, allow her to overstep her boundaries and encroach on his territory as home leader. When Ellen deviates from her role as submissive wife, Luke deals with the disobedience or disrespect in an appropriate manner.
While they enjoy open debate as a modern couple, Luke's decisions within the home and family are not debatable. The marriage is not a democracy, even when it encourages deep and intimate sharing by both parties. Not all issues are subject to a vote. While they have agreed to a traditional marriage, the way Luke chooses to deal with Ellen's challenges to his authority are solely his decision. Needless to say, Luke and Ellen do not always agree on the best course of action for Luke to take.

In Luke and Ellen's marriage, as with most traditional marriages, the husband is the ruler of the home. He is the king of his kingdom, and his wife is his beautiful queen. The wife acknowledges her husband's authority and submits to it. The roles of the husband and wife are never duplicated. The concept of equality is irrelevant when the husband and wife have different functions in the marriage.
Can such an old-fashioned view of marriage find a place in a society that thrives on the ideal of fairness, and which labels husbands who understand and exercise their authority as chauvinists? Can tough, intelligent, confident women also be submissive wives, or will they choose to please society's low standards and demand to duplicate their husbands' roles in the relationship?"

This excerpt is reprinted  from "Fresh Produce" and shared here with the permission of the author, Arend van Loggeren. "Fresh Produce" is one of Arend van Loggeren's fictional explorations of traditional marriage and the role of domestic discipline within the marriage. It follows the adventures of a successful and modern couple, Luke and Ellen Trader. The Traders are committed to making their marriage work, but they quickly discover that commitment does not excuse them from conflict. Like many other couples, they battle their way through domestic conflicts, try out different solutions, compromise and make adjustments. They make mistakes, and they correct those mistakes. Their marriage is not perfect, but it is working, perhaps better than many less traditional marriages. And of course, their marriage incorporates marital spanking.