Do Life Differently

A new year is upon us. The thrill of the hunt for new adventures is calling us out. There is anticipation. Excitement. A little holding of our breath as we allow ourselves to dream big and consider the possibilities. Anything could happen.

 

And then it descends. That dark cloud of doubt. We remember. We remember standing on the brink of all those new years that have gone before. We remember the excitement and the anticipation. And we remember what followed. Nothing, but the same old same old.

 

So what will be different this year? Anything? Something? Isn't it a waste to burn energy on excitement? Isn't hope a little pointless? Aren't we just setting ourselves up for disappointment if we expect this year to be any better than last year?

 

As humans, we have access to two things that make life nothing short of remarkable: hope, and the capacity for change. We can tap into both of those elements right now, and our excitement and enthusiasm for a great year does not have to be short-lived. Our lives are not scripted. We are not born to be failures or quitters. We are not destined to have a miserable marriage, because that's how it was for our parents. We can hope for a more fulfilling marriage, a more peaceful home, and a better tomorrow. We can change. We can choose to do what it takes to to build our marriage into something fruitful and strong. We can choose to love our marriage partner even when our experience says it won't make a difference. We can choose to have a home filled with harmony when it has been a war zone in the past. We can live better this year than we did last year.

 

Want a better year this year? Do something different. Make the change you know you need to make. Eat less. Exercise more. Have more sex with your spouse. Seek intimacy with your spouse on a daily basis. Husbands, take authority in your homes. Wives, submit graciously to your husbands. Stop arguing. Start communicating. Share with your spouse. Share some more. Don't go to bed angry. Touch each other. Compliment each other. Hold hands in public. Hold hands while you watch TV. Cook meals together. Eat those meals together. Share even more.

 

Want a better year this year? Do life differently this year. If you repeat the mistakes of last year, you will reap the same results as you did last year. So change. And anticipate good things. Don't squash your hope for a better marriage.

 

Happy new year to all our readers! May the new year present you with many opportunities to grow as a couple, and may you always have the courage to grab those opportunities with gusto.

Merry Christmas

From our family to yours:

We wish you a blessed Christmas.

 

May your Christmas be filled with laughter.

May it overflow with kindness.

May examples of generosity be set for all who watch.

 

May your Christmas be marked by peace.

May you set your differences aside and listen.

May you reclaim opportunities to demonstrate your love for your spouse.

 

May this Christmas be a time you will want to remember.

May gratitude and selflessness saturate all that leaves your lips.

May this Christmas be your best one yet!

Spanked to Match Santa's Suit

The Christmas season  is the time for giving generously. It is also a stressful time for many wives and mothers as they prepare to host family gatherings and anticipate the many hours they must spend in the kitchen. Add to that last minute shopping, crazy traffic, attending school concerts, seasonal charity work, the mountain of gifts that need wrapping, and all the other extra tasks that come with a time of celebration. The result is a truck load of stress for the lady of the house.

 

Husbands can play a big role in soothing the stressful countdown to Christmas. In fact, I would go as far as saying it is their responsibility to ensure a stress overload does not occur. Unchecked stress can spill over into the home and create an environment that is hostile and prone to dampen any holiday cheer.

 

So what is a husband to do to help his wife unwind when tensions mount?

 

As the husband, you simply need to play the role of Santa. Does that require the obligatory red suit, white beard, and big belly? No, although many men who have weathered a few Christmas seasons seem to already acquired the belly. What you need most is the heart of a Santa. You must want to give something good to your wife. And then you need to actually progress beyond that desire. You need to give that good gift to her.

 

And what might that good "something" be? Being old fashioned in my ways, I cannot help but suggest the gift of a good, old fashioned spanking, of course.

 

Now, you will have to make a few changes to the way you might play the role of Santa at the shopping mall or at your church Christmas party. No, your wife won't be sitting on your knee and whispering her secret desires into your ear. You will confidently put her over your knee with her bottom raised high. She may protest a little (especially if you waited too long to put your idea into action) - assure her that she is not being punished. You will let her know that you appreciate all she is doing to make your family's celebration wonderful, and that you want to help her relax after all her efforts. You will rub her back, and caress her bottom, and let her talk some of her tension away. And then you will spank the rest away.

 

Bare her bottom. Start slowly. Be gentle, but firm. This is not a punishment. You are helping your wife relax. Spank lightly until her skin shows some color. Spank harder, but continue to spank slowly. Take your time. Treat this the same way you would treat a sensual massage. If your wife is tolerant of harder spankings, introduce a favorite implement like a wooden spoon or a light paddle. Talk to your wife as you spank her. Express your appreciation. Remind her that you love her. Tell her how much you enjoy helping her relax. And watch her body language. The back and thigh muscles lock in tension. As the spanking encourages tension release, you should see your wife's back and thighs relax. Ask questions. Listen to her voice. Use the tension in her voice and the tightness of her muscles as an indicator of when to stop spanking. A long, relaxing spanking should leave your wife comfortably draped across your lap with her bare bottom tender and blushed a deep red. Some women release tension with tears, so don't be afraid of seeing your wife cry. Finish the spanking with gentle caressing and an unrushed cuddle.

 

Give your wife the gift of stress-relieving and tension-busting spankings this Christmas. Spank generously and spank often throughout the season, and you probably won't need to go spoil the fun with any unpleasant disciplinary action. Choose to fill your home with peace and harmony this Christmas. Make it a place everyone wants to be. Make the effort to match your wife's bare bottom to Santa's suit, and you will help create a Christmas experience (and perhaps a tradition) that your wife will enjoy as much as you do.

10 Penny-wise Gifts for Your Wife

A diamond may be a girl's best friend, but sometimes she will want a gift that speaks louder than the price tag. Trade in the idea of flashy jewelry or an expensive spa hamper for a gift that will fit your budget, keep financial conflict out of your marriage this season, and touch your wife's heart.

 

Previously, following on our discussion of Christmas gifts for your spouse when your budget is tight, we shared some of our favorite inexpensive, gift ideas that a wife can use for giving a gift to her husband. This post is devoted to inexpensive and thoughtful gifts a husband can give his wife. There is no reason to skip gift-giving this year simply because your wallet is empty. Bless your wife with a gift that communicates your love and appreciation for her, without creating debt in the process.

 

For the wife who is on her feet all day: Use colored card reclaimed from cereal boxes or other sources to create foot massage vouchers. (Obviously, you (the husband) will be giving these wonderful foot massages, so prepare yourself to pamper your sweetheart.) Set an expiry date on each voucher so your wife will be encouraged to cash in her special treats at regular intervals.

 

For the wife who loves photographs: Capture a special moment on camera when your wife isn't aware that she is the focal point. If you don't have an eye for taking pictures, ask a friend or your child to snap some pictures of you and your wife when you are in public. Make sure you select a picture that is particularly flattering to your wife. Give it some old world charm by having it printed in black and white or sepia tone - your local pharmacy charges pennies for a small print. Spend an extra dollar on a frame that matches the picture (your local dollar store should have a selection of small frames).

 

For the wife who isn't on a diet: Purchase your wife's favorite candy bar. Carefully unwrap it without ripping the wrapper. Hand-write a love letter to your wife, fold it to match the size of the candy bar, and insert the letter (together with the candy bar) into the undamaged wrapper.  Carefully seal the wrapper, and wrap the candy bar in some pretty paper.

 

For the wife who likes to reminisce: Fill a small booklet with reprints or photocopies of your wife's favorite photographs. Your wedding, your honeymoon, the birth of your children, and family vacations all make good photo sources. This is about creating more than another photo album, so make sure you add your memories (positive memories only) associated with the pictures by writing comments alongside the pictures. Tell your wife what you were thinking when the photo was taken, or what the picture reminds you of.

 

For the wife who likes to play games: Create your own intimate card game. Start with cutting a set of flash cards from scrap cardboard. On each card, write a word that means something special to you as a couple. Create your own rules for your word-association game and include these rules when you package your cards. When designing your game rules, remember that whatever you do with your cards should be fun for both of you, and should encourage intimacy.

 

For the wife who enjoys being spanked: Create a set of 10 to 20 stress-relief and/or playful spanking vouchers. Use colorful card recycled from junk mail for the vouchers, or print the vouchers on your home printer. You may not always be aware when your wife needs or wants a spanking, so these vouchers will help her get what she needs when she needs it. They work well for couples where the wife struggles to ask for a spanking or the husband is not particularly observant and aware of his wife's needs. All the wife needs to do is present her husband with a spanking voucher, and he should provide her with a spanking within 24 hours.

 

For the wife who does most of the housework herself: Running a home is hard work - make no mistake about it. And it is even harder when you cannot afford outside help and must repeat the same household tasks day after day without a break. Give your wife the gift of a small break from routine when she needs it most. Create a handful of simple housework vouchers (at least 20 - be generous) e.g. washing supper dishes, vacuuming the lounge floor, scrubbing the bath. These vouchers will encourage a wife who is uncomfortable asking for help (especially if her husband typically comes home tired from work) to express when she feels overwhelmed. She can express what she feels by simply returning a voucher to her husband - she doesn't have to speak about how she feels if she is not ready to do that. The husband's responsibility is to jump in and complete the task  on the voucher he is given. This task will probably only take him a few minutes, but will give his wife a much-needed break from the monotony of repetitive housework.

 

For the wife who deserves, but avoids, the spotlight: Some wives work tirelessly to make their homes a wonderful place to be. Often, the efforts of these amazing women go unnoticed, and yet it doesn't seem to deter them. This Christmas, you can shine the spotlight on your wife and give a gift of 30 days of uninterrupted recognition. Write 30 short letters to your wife. Each letter need be only a paragraph long and should express your appreciation for one aspect of who she is, or what she does for you and your family. You can make those letters even more special by taking a trip to a local department store. Stop by the fragrance counters and ask the sales assistants if you may spray a little perfume from the tester bottles onto a sheet of paper. It may take some time to collect 30 different fragrance samples on your letter papers, so aim for 5 or 6 different fragrances that you think your wife would enjoy. Seal the letters in 30 envelopes, and write the number 1 to 30 on the envelopes. Present the set of envelopes with instructions that your wife is to open one envelope every day for a month.

 

For the wife who enjoys complex gifts and problem-solving challenges: Create your own treasure capsule. To do this, blend the ideas of a time capsule with a treasure chest. Cover a recycled box with pretty paper. Collect a variety of small items that you can directly link to experiences you have shared with your wife. The complete collection should fit in the box. For example, if you honeymooned at the coast, a seashell might represent this experience. If your first child is a boy, perhaps a blue baby comb might trigger a memory of his birth. Include a challenge to your wife to get her thinking about what each item represents, and the promise of a date night when you will explain what each of those items mean to you.

 

For the wife who is struggling with being submissive: Provide one "get out of (spanking) jail FREE" card. This card should include your sincere promise to exempt your wife from one corrective or discipline spanking that would usually result from breaking a house rule. You reserve the right to substitute some other form of punishment in the place of a spanking. Make this card valid for one year.

 

Husbands, feel free to add your own ideas for low- or no-cost gifts for your wife in the comment section below. Wives, if you have received an inexpensive, creative gift from your husband, please do share it with our other readers. Many folk have had a tough financial year, and could benefit from hearing that great gift-giving has little to do with the money in your wallet.

  

10 Penny-wise Gifts for Your Husband

Christmas, the season for giving, is a great time to exercise generosity. Gift-giving is an excellent way to express our generosity, and touch lives in a positive way. Contrary to what many people believe, you don't need a lot of money to give awesome gifts. You simply need to take what you know about the gift recipient and match that with your own skills and the materials you already have in your own home. Think creatively and recycle - the gift options are practically limitless.

In a previous post, "Taking My Spouse Off the Gift List", we described how to stimulate ideas for giving inexpensive gifts. We also promised to share some of our own gift ideas, so this is the first of two posts that fulfills that promise. This post will provide the wife's perspective and hopefully give other wives who read this ideas on how to turn low-cost or no-cost items into fun gifts for their husbands. The added bonus is that these gifts also serve to enrich the marriage by encouraging communication and sensual/sexual play.

For the DIY husband: find a hard wood plank (12 to 18 inches long) and draw the outline of a paddle on it (sometimes lumber yards and wood shops throw away scrap wood, so don't be afraid to ask). If your budget allows for it, use sheets of sandpaper as gift-wrapping - the gift-wrap is a practical part of the gift and will smooth the way to a splinter-free spanked bottom.

For the husband who enjoys words and surprises: fill 52 small envelopes with notelets that begin with "I love you because...". Wrap the 52 envelopes together with instructions on when to open each envelope. This is a gift that can be stretched out over a full year, if the recipient opens one envelope a week.

For the husband who takes command of the kitchen: write your (wife's) wedding vows in the bowl of a wooden spoon using a permanent, fine-tipped marker. Your husband will know what to do with the wooden spoon if you start stirring up trouble in the home. And even if you are good, the spoon can provide many fun spankings for years to come.

For the sensual husband: Cut 11 strips from scrap (colored) card. (Use paper if you have no card.) On each of ten card strips, write down one of your husband's favorite sensual experiences and an expiry date that falls within the next year. For example, if your husband enjoys you touching his feet, one card might include "oily foot massage" and "expires on 31 January 2013". Use the eleventh card to explain how to use the coupon booklet you have created. Staple the cards together with the instructions on top.

For the husband who finds it hard to talk about his desires: Decorate the cover of an inexpensive "composition book" (the lined exercise books that school students use for note-taking) with your own art, photographs, pictures from magazines, favourite verses of poetry, or any other items that represent beautiful experiences. Use the first page of this "desire journal" to explain how to use it i.e. stress that the husband's desires can be expressed by recording his dreams, describing his fantasies, or simply illustrating those fantasies with sketches. Explain that you (the wife) would love to read his desire journal if he ever wants to share it with you. This journal is a great way to open up discussions that some people are shy to start.

 

For the husband with a sweet tooth: Home-baked cookies (or candies) never fail to sweeten up the hubby. Decorate a recycled chocolate box with your favorite images, poems, or inspirational quotes, and use it as a presentation box for your goodies. If you are working with your husband to encourage portion control, individually wrap each cookie or candy, and attach a little love note to each tiny package.

 

For the husband who likes to read: Purchase an inexpensive blank-paged, pocket-sized booklet (small enough to fit into your husband's shirt pocket). Fill the booklet with expressions of gratitude - thank your husband for the little things that often go unrecognized. Everyone likes to feel appreciated, and this little booklet will provide many years of encouragement for your husband - he can carry it with him to work or on business trips, or just open it when he needs to be reminded that his wife notices all he does for her and the family.

 

For the husband who is sexually adventurous: Make a home-made sensual  exploration kit. Include items like feathers, velvet cloth, satin cloth, a soft hairbrush, a comb, etc.

 

For the husband who enjoys gardening: Purchase a small packet of seeds (suitable for planting in your zone) - some seed packages cost less than a dollar. Include a hand-written written promise to be part of the seed planting exercise. Getting dirty together can be the start of a lot of clean-up fun.

 

For the husband who likes reminders: Create a WILL KNOT. All you need is a short length of rope or twine (natural fiber works best). Make a knot in the rope. Package the knotted rope in a decorated, recycled box with a note explaining what it is. The WILL KNOT is  your husband's reminder that you have chosen to be submissive to him, and are working hard at your commitment, even when things get a little off-track. The WILL KNOT is his reminder that you WILL NOT give up on your commitment.

 

Feel free to add your own inexpensive gifts ideas for husbands in the comments section below. Creative, home-styled gifting isn't only for the cash-strapped - it is a great way for all of us to exercise our creative natures and give the kind of gifts that make a difference.

Taking My Spouse Off the Gift List

This is the season for giving (not that there is a season that doesn’t agree with giving). Few things are as enjoyable as giving, so it makes sense to join in the fun. The malls are already filled to capacity, and everyone seems to be in frantic pursuit of the perfect gifts for loved ones. But what if money is tight? Does that cut you out of the giving process, and stop you from having fun?

Parents usually make the effort to ensure their children have presents at Christmas, but when money is a problem, the spouse is one of the first to fall by the gifting wayside. It is tempting to justify taking our spouse off the gift list. After all, they are well aware that the budget simply cannot stretch any further. They will understand that a gift is unaffordable, won’t they?

There is a way to keep your partner on the gift list, even if your budget screams in rebellion. The most precious gifts I have received did not come from the mall. They weren’t bought online either. They didn’t cost an arm and a leg, or even just a finger. Some cost only pennies. Most did take an investment of time on the part of the giver. However, not all of my precious gifts demanded a lot of time of the giver - some just needed a fresh perspective and a dash of creativity.

What if you don’t feel creative, and like most of us don’t have hours to sit around and dig deep until the creative juices flow?

The good news is that you can make this happen with a few minutes of "thinking" time, and a little longer of "doing" time. Make yourself a cup of tea or coffee, pick up a pen and paper, and prepare for an out-of-the-box experience. Without giving it too much thought, brainstorm a list of words that describe what your spouse enjoys most. You can stop when you have ten words or phrases. For example, your list may look something like this:

My wife enjoys.... (1) reading, (2) doing puzzles, (3) telling jokes, (4) baking, (5) dancing, (6) watching old war movies, (7) sucking lollipops, (8) gardening, (9) the smell of sun-dried linen, (10) jogging.

My husband enjoys... (1) fishing, (2) sex, (3) walking the dog, (4) watching sports, (5) photography, (6) surprises, (7) wearing yellow shirts, (8) gardening, (9) swimming, (10) writing poetry.

Now make a second list by brainstorming things you can DO (not buy) to provide for your partner’s enjoyment. For example, next to “My wife enjoys (1) reading and (8) gardening,” you could put “hand write a love letter to my wife, and seal it in an envelope filled with petals from her favorite wild flowers”. Next to “My husband enjoys (8) fishing,” you could write “search online and find the tide charts for the next 52 weekends; cut and paste the charts, leaving space for recording catches, into a document and print this document in booklet format; make a colorful cover for the booklet using a local outdoor store's sales brochure”. 

With a few minutes of effort, you will discover that you can give your husband or wife a delightful gift that will cost little or nothing. In the next couple of posts, we will include some of our own gifting brainstorms, so you can see how easy it is to stretch your imagination beyond the obvious.

This year, challenge yourself to think outside the box when it comes to spousal gift-giving on a tiny budget. Don’t use the lack of money as an excuse for not giving your husband or wife a gift this Christmas. Rather, use it as the motivation for giving a thoughtful gift to your soul mate and best friend. Forget about a trip to the busy mall. Forget about shopping online for those discounted deals. Just invest a little of yourself in your gift. No-one knows your spouse better than you do. Who better to give him or her a truly creative and perfectly suited gift than you?

Thankful for My Marriage: Today and Always

There is ALWAYS a reason to be grateful. Always. Without exception. Find your reason today. Don’t stop when you find one. Collect a whole basket of reasons to be thankful, and then take the time to express that thanks and appreciation. Gratitude isn’t just something we dress up in for Thanksgiving - it is an attitude that allows us to see the sunshine in every rainy day.

If your marriage is thriving...

Be grateful for your marriage, for life as it is, the happy moments, the laughs, the intimacy, the meaningful conversations, the great sex, feeling loved, the trust between you and your partner, someone to share your heart with, a soul mate, a partner you can entrust every part of yourself to, memories that leave romance novels in the dust, and the promise of a great future. Be thankful for a spouse you can give every part of yourself to with reckless abandon...

If your marriage is good, but not great...

Be grateful for your marriage, for a partner who loves you, for someone to share your life with, for a companion who stands with you, for someone who cares about you and lets you know that, for those special moments that create good memories, for the growth you have seen in your marriage, for knowing you are not alone, and for the promise of more good things to come. Be thankful for a spouse you can give yourself to, knowing they value you as you are...

If your marriage is surviving...

Be grateful for your marriage, for a spouse who is tough enough to hang in there through the hard times, for the promise that things can get better, for buried hopes that can be resurrected, for new dreams that can be created today and lived tomorrow, for someone who honors their marriage vows, for the knowledge that tomorrow gives you a fresh start, and for the promise that it is not too late to have a great marriage. Be thankful for a spouse who is still in the process of learning to value and appreciate you, and for the opportunity to demonstrate daily how much you value and appreciate them...

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Stardust Exposed by an Attitude of Gratitude

Thankful. Appreciative. Cognizant of how others have contributed to their lives. These are the people who typically enrich our lives. We find them encouraging and energizing, and we enjoy being around them. They seem to bring sunshine into a cloudy day. They put a smile on our faces when we have begun to feel invisible. Showing gratitude on a regular basis may not feel natural for everyone, but everyone has the capacity to grow in gratitude and have a sunny effect on those around them.

Husbands, have you thanked your wife for something she has done or said today? Wives, have you taken the time today to show appreciation to your husband for something he did for you or someone else?

Thankfulness does not get worn out with use: not in your workplace, not in your place of worship, not in social get-togethers, and definitely not in your home. But it is easier to become ungrateful at home than it is anywhere else. Over the years, our marriage partner becomes so familiar to us that we sometimes don’t notice them the way we notice colleagues, or neighbors, or strangers on the street. In the early years of marriage, we may have thanked them profusely for everything from the burnt toast they made for us to the way they chose to love us when we felt undeserving of their love. Yet, with passing years, we start to take their acts of giving for granted. We begin to expect their selfless acts of kindness, and stop thanking for them or thank only on occasion. And as we thank less often, we begin to wonder why we don’t feel appreciated ourselves.

 While a lack of gratitude serves as a slow poison for a relationship, a regular show of heartfelt gratitude can heal a relationship. But what if I am not naturally expressive like that, you may ask? If you are intelligent enough to be reading this post, you are also smart enough to learn how to show gratitude. Fortunately, it is not very difficult to learn. In essence, all it takes is for you to take your eyes off your own needs for a short time, and focus on your spouse. Even if you are going through a rough patch in your marriage, and you feel unloved and unappreciated, you can still identify small things that have enriched your life thanks to your spouse. It may be a cup of coffee they brought you, or a small gift they gave you, or the call they made when they were late for dinner, or the way they smiled at you when you least expected it. It doesn’t have to be significant, erotic, or even intimate things that should get your attention - simply make the effort to notice what your spouse is doing.

For those who like practical methods they can use to change their behavior, here’s a simple set of steps that will point you in the right direction.

1. Put a pen and a piece of paper next to your bed.

2. Before you go to sleep, challenge yourself to write down 3 things you can be grateful for in your home and marriage. Remember that these don’t have to be deeply emotional or intimate in nature. They can be as simple as “I am grateful that my wife ironed my work shirt today,” or “I am grateful that my husband works so hard at his job despite it not being fulfilling for him,” or “I am thankful that my wife brought me a new roll of toilet paper when I discovered (too late) that there wasn’t enough on the roll,” or “I appreciate my husband taking our car to be washed today.” Look for the “specks of stardust” in your marriage - every marriage has some of these tiny glimmers of hope or sparks of joy, and they happen every day so take the time to identify a few of them each day.

3. Within 24 hours (before it is time to write a new list), find a way to express gratitude for at least one of the points on your list. Express your gratitude out aloud. Send an email. Make that call during your spouse’s lunch break. Send a text message. Write it on a piece of paper and slip it into the pocket of their work clothing or put it in their lunch box. Don’t let a day pass without expressing gratitude for something small and seemingly insignificant.

4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 every day.

Feeling unappreciated and unloved this week? Finding it hard to communicate with your spouse? Wanting something better for your marriage? Move your focus off finding fault in what your husband or wife has done. Stop thinking about how disrespectful your wife is and how deserving of punishment she is. Wives, stop thinking about what a loser your husband seems to be. Quit hammering your spouse with your criticism. This week, try a dose of gratitude instead. Give what you need, and enrich your marriage in the process. Develop an attitude of gratitude, exercise that attitude daily, and take the way you love your partner to the next level.

Promise Keeping Without Punishment or Nagging

In “Keeping Your Word”, we explored the price that husbands pay for dishonoring their word. A husband’s leadership in the marriage takes a knock each time he fails to deliver something he said he would. But is that fair? What if he is genuinely forgetful? What if he just said what he said to get his wife to stop nagging him? What if he really didn’t mean what he said, or what if he changed his mind? 

“Our word” refers to the things we say, and not necessarily things we deliberately promise. “Our word”, from the concrete, well thought-out plans we share right down to the vague intentions that slip from our lips, create expectation in the heart and mind of the listener. We all want to be listened to, particularly by our spouse, yet we also want the luxury of not being held accountable for what we say. This is where we must choose. A man or woman of his/her word is someone who assumes responsibility for what they say, even when it was said without fully counting the cost of making that statement. An honorable man or woman takes the words that they say (or write) seriously.

If a husband’s authority in the home is affected by how he backs up his own words, it makes sense for him to make the effort to keep his word, even when he wishes he had not said anything to begin with. In “Keeping Your Word”, we suggested that husbands ask their wives to help them grow in this area of integrity and leadership. But how can this be done without the husband relinquishing his authority or encouraging his wife to become bossy?

In essence, the husband, when asking for his wife’s help, must choose to trust her to not abuse the power he is placing within her grasp. The power she has access to is vast: she may claim he said things he never did and hold him to promises he never made; she may grab opportunities to nag him about his promises; she may use his commitments as an excuse to tell him what to do; she may use his failures as reason to criticize or humiliate him. If the husband does not trust his wife in this area (whether or not she is trustworthy), he is not ready to ask for her help. He will need to find other accountability partners to help him grow as a man of his word, until he is ready to trust his wife.

If the husband wants help, what can the wife do to help her husband honor his word in the home and marriage?

A very simple (albeit tedious) exercise is to convert the spoken word to written word for a few weeks. Habits are supposedly formed in approximately 21 days, so couples should not expect instant change. They should realize this exercise is time-consuming and requires some effort. Doing this exercise for a few weeks will not convert a person into someone who never makes a mistake and ALWAYS remembers to do what they said they would. Instead, it raises awareness of how much people expect of us based on things we say (sometimes without thinking). It is this awareness that can help motivate us to be careful about what we do say, and to honor whatever we have said.

1. Start with the husband agreeing to (and committing to) the process of him speaking and his wife writing. The husband also commits to doing all that he says he will. This accountability system does not work if the husband only wants the system in place when it is convenient. The wife agrees to (and commits to) giving her husband the space, for the duration of the exercise, to resolve any issues that arise from him not keeping his word. She acknowledges that she may become frustrated if her husband doesn’t make good on all his promises when she expected him to, but commits to refraining from making it right on her own.

2. Mount a small whiteboard in the kitchen, acquire a big family datebook, make use of a communal computer with a task organizer, or use sticky notes on the fridge. Choose a medium that suits your family. Make sure you choose a central place to host your “reminder space” - it needs to be where the husband and wife will walk past and notice reminders a few times a day.

3. When the husband says something that creates expectation (e.g. I will call the plumber tomorrow), the wife should write down what she hears him say. To avoid later conflict (on who said what), its a good idea for the wife to check with her husband that she heard him correctly and that her transcription of his words is indeed correct.

4. The wife should post this “appointment” in the agreed upon place so her husband can be reminded of what he said he would do. Once posted, there is no further need for the wife to remind (or nag) her husband of his commitment - it is now his responsibility to follow up on every one of his commitments posted in the reminder space, and to do so by the time he said he would have it done. If he anticipates not being able to complete a particular task, he should speak to his wife about the problem before the deadline. He needs to treat each of these seemingly insignificant commitments as serious “business” contracts with his wife.

5. While this exercise is in play, the wife has the duty to write her expectations based on what she hears. Her husband’s duty is to fulfill that expectation that he created. If the wife doesn’t bother to write down a particular “promise”, she is not entitled to expect a positive outcome. If she doesn’t check that she has heard her husband correctly he may later dispute what she wrote, and such disagreements are difficult (if not impossible) to resolve.

6. As expectations are met, the husband removes the relevant reminders from the reminder space. At the end of each day, any unmet expectations for that day need to be addressed. Set aside some time (perhaps at bed time) to discuss unresolved issues. It will take courage for the husband to admit to his wife that he did not accomplish what he set out to do - some men may feel this “failure” makes them less of a man in their wives eyes. Hiding the failure is probably a lot more damaging to trust than admitting it happened. And being man enough to address this issue is part of the growth of integrity. Admitting that you have not kept your word isn’t the end - it is the first part of the process of making it right. A husband can use the opportunity to discuss what went wrong and couple his own wisdom with that of his wife to find a way to make up for his mistake. 

This is a tough exercise, and not suitable for everyone. It demands a lot from both husband and wife. It does not take away from the husband’s authority. It does not force the wife to be bossy or to take charge. She does not get to punish or berate her husband if he makes a mistake. He remains in charge, and she serves as his accountability partner, helping him fill out his integrity core. In relationships where the husband struggles to understand his wife’s frustration and expectation of him, where he is convinced he has made no promises while his wife is sure he has, where the wife disrespects her husband and disregards what he says and he cannot understand why, this exercise can help the frustrated husband see how much expectation his words create. A man of his word commands respect - his integrity invites respect. Keeping our word (as a husband or a wife) isn’t always easy or convenient, but our integrity, and the pursuit of integrity, enriches our marriage. Isn’t our marriage worth that kind of effort?

Keeping Your Word

Honoring one’s word used to be the mark of a man. An honorable man (or woman) did what they said they would do. And they did it even if it was uncomfortable or inconvenient. In fact, most honorable folk would keep their word even if it hurt them to do so. When did that change? When did a man’s word cease to be his bond?

Have men of today traded being honorable for being comfortable? If it costs us anything to keep our word, are we tempted to look the other way and conveniently “forget” our promise? A young man recently told me that he didn’t think he was obligated to keep his word unless he had coupled it with “I promise”. When did it become necessary to tag “I promise” on to make one’s word into a commitment?

Certainly we need to look after our health, finances, and other areas of our lives that may be affected by our commitments. If those commitments (perhaps made without counting the cost) threaten our well-being, are we justified in turning our backs on those commitments? Self-preservation has replaced honor and integrity for many people. Is that so bad?

There is a side to not keeping your word that people don’t talk about much. It was refreshing to find an article that actually focused on the price we all pay when we don’t keep our word. Michael Hyatt stresses that keeping your word is at the heart of integrity. Without integrity, leadership is compromised. So what does that have to do with your old fashioned marriage?

A husband of a traditional marriage is a leader. The degree to which he honors his word determines how effective his leadership is. Hyatt hits the nail on the head when he links integrity to trust. If you want to be the kind of husband whose wife chooses to follow your lead and desires to submit to you, then you have to be the kind of husband who can be trusted. And how do you become that kind of husband?

You start by honoring your word 24/7 - not just in business or in your workplace, but especially at home in your marriage. If you said you would do something, don’t drop the ball - do it. If you find you often forget about things you said, ask for help. Put a system in place that encourages your wife to help you become an honorable leader. Place yourself in a position of accountability to her when it comes to keeping your word. When you become a man of your word, your integrity as a leader will encourage your family to follow you.