Why Won’t My Husband Talk to Me?

The strong, silent type makes for a fine hero in a romantic novel, but how well does this "type" of man manage in a real marriage? A man's silence may seem sexy and mysterious during courting, but when the silence stretches into marriage it can confuse and hurt his wife. If she finds talking to be a soothing and enriching experience, it may be difficult to understand why her husband avoids it all costs. Does he do it to spite her or is he a prisoner within himself, frustrated and unable to give her what she needs?

 

A recent post drew some heartfelt comments about husbands that simply won’t talk to their wives. This code of silence imposed by some husbands on their confused wives causes significant pain and leaves emotional scars, so why do husbands with the physical ability to communicate verbally subject their wives to a wordless marriage? Is it only because they are unloving and selfish and want their wives to feel isolated and confused, or could there be another reason they hurt their wives with their silence?

Grantley Morris, in his article “Improving Communication in Marriage: Understanding Your Partner’s Different Attitude to Talking” provides an extraordinary window into the world of the silent husband. Obviously, not all husbands are the silent type, just as not all wives are chatterboxes. In some relationships, the husband is the dominant talker, while the wife is more comfortable saying less. Morris acknowledges this, but focuses his article on silent men who frustrate their wives when they refuse to talk and retreat into silence without explaining why they do it.

Morris makes a bold statement that aligns well with the ideals of old fashioned marriage and the traditional marriage roles: “For a man to reveal his heart he needs to feel masculine.” What makes a man feel masculine?

Husbands put themselves through the filter of what society and their wives expect of them, and guess what? They find themselves falling far short of expectations. The husband sees all his shortcomings, his weaknesses, caught in that filter and his confidence as a man, a husband, and the home leader, plummets. He convinces himself that he is less of a man than he needs to be. His sense of masculinity is attacked by his own sense of self-esteem. The thought of exposing all those weaknesses to the very person (his wife) who expects so much of him is intimidating. It is far easier to hide behind the veil of silence. The silence allows the husband to hold onto his dignity. As Morris puts it: “Strength and silence travel together because silence is needed to maintain the illusion of strength."

But is the silence really only the result of an insecure man who is too focused on his deficiencies and afraid to expose them? “Often a wife’s attitude and expectations have contributed to her husband feeling defeated about how hard it is for him to talk. Many a man has gained the impression that his verbal limitations are yet another thing his wife dislikes about him – or even that she is angry at him for having these limitations,” says Morris. Wives may be a big part of why men retreat into silence, if these wives do not clearly communicate (not just through words, but at all levels of communication) that they love and accept their men unconditionally. Husbands need to know, and truly believe, that their wives do not expect them to measure up to the fantasy heroes found in romantic novels, in the same way that wives need their husbands to assure them that they are beautiful and loveable despite not looking like a runway model. 

A man who is aware of his weaknesses, and fears the criticism of his wife will hesitate to expose his vulnerabilities to her. After all, from his perspective sharing with her will only provide her with ammunition to criticize him more harshly than she already does. He does not need to be reminded that he is not enough of a man for her. To protect himself from further verbal abuse and humiliation, he puts his heart (weighed down with its sense of unworthiness) behind a protective barrier.

There are indeed countless treasures that a wise wife can extract from her silent husband. It will take patience and it will take some significant skill, but most women have what it takes to develop this patience and skill. “Improving Communication in Marriage: Understanding Your Partner’s Different Attitude to Talking” contains some gems of understanding that can help wives make sense of the behavior of their quiet husbands. In the spirit of exploration and discovery, we invite you to join us as we dig a little deeper into this article in search of ways to encourage communication in wordless marriages.

How the Wife can Help a Husband with a Quitter Attitude

Husbands who do not lead at home have one thing in common. They lack confidence. That may be hard to believe. These same men may have a truckload of confidence outside the marriage and the home. Their job titles tell the story. They are presidents of companies, politicians who speak on live television, doctors who make life and death decisions, store managers who command a big staff, owners of their own businesses, pastors, lawyers, and more. Yet, at home, they are whipped puppy dogs, afraid of their wives, and dominated by their kids.

The coin-flip mentality of a husband’s confidence may surprise most wives. They don’t see the lack of confidence in their men. What they see is an overwhelming sense of laziness. The men come home from work and put their feet up in front of the television, or slouch down at the computer. They don’t invest in helping their children with the homework, in exercise, in helping prepare supper, or in simple spousal conversation that will enrich their relationship. No, these husbands just don’t care about their families. They shut their wives and children out and slip into some virtual world of their own, the place their mothers-in-law call “Lazy Man’s Land”.

So can you blame the average wife for being surprised to learn that her husband lacks the confidence to lead at home? It is news to the wife to discover that at home her husband feels empty, useless, unworthy of the title of the “head of the household”. The image of a man is one of strength - discovering that your husband is actually quite fragile in terms of self-worth may take some getting used to. A husband that feels he cannot do anything right, anything that will be good enough for his wife, gives up trying. He shuts her out so he can protect himself from feeling even more of a failure today than he felt yesterday.

Is there anything a wife can do to remedy this situation? Is there anything she can do to help her husband grow his sense of worth at home? Can a wife say anything that will stop a man from hitting the “I Quit” button every time he is presented with the opportunity to take charge of his family?

One of a wife’s prime responsibilities is to create a safe, nurturing environment in which her husband will flourish, not just as a man, but as a leader. If he fears her judgment and grows to expect her condemnation for all he does and says, he will flee from leading her.

A Husband's Short-lived Enthusiasm

It starts with a simple choice. The husband, weary of his miserable home life, decides to man up to the challenge. He wants a satisfying marriage, a happy family life, a stable home for his children, so he decides that is exactly what he is going to have. He swings his feet off the couch, switches off the television, shakes the crumbs off his shirt, and sits up straight. Yes, he wants something better. He knows that deep down he isn’t useless or pathetic as his wife keeps telling him he is. He knows he can do better. He knows he wants to do better.

He looks around the room. Perhaps something will trigger an idea? He notices the picture on the wall is skew, so he gets up and straightens it. Nice. He sees his pile of unopened mail on the coffee table, so he sits down and opens the top three envelopes. Junk mail. He pushes the remaining, unopened envelopes aside. Too boring. He wants something exciting to do - something that will go well with his new commitment to be the head of his home. Lucky for him, he doesn’t have long to wait. He hears his wife’s car in the driveway. He sits down, impatient for her to enter the room, eager to share his new-found enthusiasm with her.

His wife enters the room, and he greets her with a very warm, “Hi, sweetie. How was...” Before he can finish the question, she lashes out verbally. “Do you know what I had to spend the last two hours doing? Fixing the mess you made. Again.” The husband is clueless, and looks quizzically at his wife. “The utilities bills you insisted on paying? Remember? The very same bills you failed to pay three months running, and which I reminded you over and over again to pay each time we received a reminder call. The same bills I offered four times to handle for you? Do you remember now? I don’t know why I let you do anything around the house. You are always forgetting. Sometimes you act like a little child.”

The husband sinks back into the couch, wishing it could swallow him. He remembers now. He did promise to pay those bills. He did forget a few times. His wife did remind him. Then he wasn’t sure what happened. Somehow it all got away from him. Work kept him busy and... Yes, he forgot again. He feels stupid. His wife is probably right about him being too immature to handle a few bills. What made him think he could be the head of his home? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Yes, a husband can make the simple decision to be the head of his home. It only takes a second to choose that. But what if you as the husband don’t feel like you have what it takes? How do you keep heading in the right direction when everything points to you being inadequate as the leader of the home? Shouldn’t you just gracefully step down and let your brilliant, sexy, articulate wife (who seems more than qualified to lead) just keep doing what she was doing all along?