08 November 2012

Stardust Exposed by an Attitude of Gratitude

Thankful. Appreciative. Cognizant of how others have contributed to their lives. These are the people who typically enrich our lives. We find them encouraging and energizing, and we enjoy being around them. They seem to bring sunshine into a cloudy day. They put a smile on our faces when we have begun to feel invisible. Showing gratitude on a regular basis may not feel natural for everyone, but everyone has the capacity to grow in gratitude and have a sunny effect on those around them.

Husbands, have you thanked your wife for something she has done or said today? Wives, have you taken the time today to show appreciation to your husband for something he did for you or someone else?

Thankfulness does not get worn out with use: not in your workplace, not in your place of worship, not in social get-togethers, and definitely not in your home. But it is easier to become ungrateful at home than it is anywhere else. Over the years, our marriage partner becomes so familiar to us that we sometimes don’t notice them the way we notice colleagues, or neighbors, or strangers on the street. In the early years of marriage, we may have thanked them profusely for everything from the burnt toast they made for us to the way they chose to love us when we felt undeserving of their love. Yet, with passing years, we start to take their acts of giving for granted. We begin to expect their selfless acts of kindness, and stop thanking for them or thank only on occasion. And as we thank less often, we begin to wonder why we don’t feel appreciated ourselves.

 While a lack of gratitude serves as a slow poison for a relationship, a regular show of heartfelt gratitude can heal a relationship. But what if I am not naturally expressive like that, you may ask? If you are intelligent enough to be reading this post, you are also smart enough to learn how to show gratitude. Fortunately, it is not very difficult to learn. In essence, all it takes is for you to take your eyes off your own needs for a short time, and focus on your spouse. Even if you are going through a rough patch in your marriage, and you feel unloved and unappreciated, you can still identify small things that have enriched your life thanks to your spouse. It may be a cup of coffee they brought you, or a small gift they gave you, or the call they made when they were late for dinner, or the way they smiled at you when you least expected it. It doesn’t have to be significant, erotic, or even intimate things that should get your attention - simply make the effort to notice what your spouse is doing.

For those who like practical methods they can use to change their behavior, here’s a simple set of steps that will point you in the right direction.

1. Put a pen and a piece of paper next to your bed.

2. Before you go to sleep, challenge yourself to write down 3 things you can be grateful for in your home and marriage. Remember that these don’t have to be deeply emotional or intimate in nature. They can be as simple as “I am grateful that my wife ironed my work shirt today,” or “I am grateful that my husband works so hard at his job despite it not being fulfilling for him,” or “I am thankful that my wife brought me a new roll of toilet paper when I discovered (too late) that there wasn’t enough on the roll,” or “I appreciate my husband taking our car to be washed today.” Look for the “specks of stardust” in your marriage - every marriage has some of these tiny glimmers of hope or sparks of joy, and they happen every day so take the time to identify a few of them each day.

3. Within 24 hours (before it is time to write a new list), find a way to express gratitude for at least one of the points on your list. Express your gratitude out aloud. Send an email. Make that call during your spouse’s lunch break. Send a text message. Write it on a piece of paper and slip it into the pocket of their work clothing or put it in their lunch box. Don’t let a day pass without expressing gratitude for something small and seemingly insignificant.

4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 every day.

Feeling unappreciated and unloved this week? Finding it hard to communicate with your spouse? Wanting something better for your marriage? Move your focus off finding fault in what your husband or wife has done. Stop thinking about how disrespectful your wife is and how deserving of punishment she is. Wives, stop thinking about what a loser your husband seems to be. Quit hammering your spouse with your criticism. This week, try a dose of gratitude instead. Give what you need, and enrich your marriage in the process. Develop an attitude of gratitude, exercise that attitude daily, and take the way you love your partner to the next level.

11 comments:

  1. Hi OFM. I have been appreciating your posts for some time. You have plenty of good ideas and no pun intended but old fashioned advice for marriage in general.

    I have a question for you. Not only do you have a lovely blog but you leave thoughtful comments around blogland. BUT...I can't get a good sense of "who" you are and perhaps I just missed an early post. Is there somewhere you could direct me to?

    If you haven't written about it, would you consider writing a post for us to tell us a bit more about your own journey?

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    1. Well thank you for your comment and your questions, Susie. Blogs are a wonderful way to share what we have learned, and a place to learn from others. You are right about this blog’s focus leaning towards the old fashioned ways. The theme was not accidental: it is a reflection of our own life’s adventure. We live in a fast-paced environment where we are exposed to new knowledge at a startling rate. With the extensive virtual buffet of new knowledge before us, it is easy to lose sight of the simple wisdom of our forefathers. Were they all-knowing? No. Did they never make mistakes? No. Did they all have perfect marriages? Absolutely not. Yet, they practiced some truly simple, common sense things that added stability and a sense of peace to their marriages that is often missing from modern marriages. Many of the “marriage secrets” of our parents or grandparents have been pushed aside as being “too out-of-date to be valuable”. We learned early on that this attitude is arrogant and cuts us off from a wealth of wisdom. Many of the seemingly complex problems experienced in modern marriage were already solved long before our generation put all their faith in support groups, psychologists, and self-help books. Why whine about how miserable a marriage is or unhappy our spouse makes us when we can grab hold of some simple, practical strategies that anyone (with the courage to stop complaining and start doing) can implement? The wisdom of yesteryear is simple, but its true worth is exposed when we choose it and then use it.

      Curious about who we are and the journey we are taking? What we share in these posts is our journey - read with your heart and you will learn that our journey is a journey of discovery. We won’t settle for a mediocre marriage - we want God’s best for our marriage. In pursuit of this high calling, we have learned, and are still learning, just how much a “supernaturally” good marriage requires us to understand and grow in our marital roles. Yes, traditional marriage roles are old fashioned, yet when we adopt them, this choice unlocks new and exciting levels in the marriage. As we grow individually within the context of husband or wife, we also grow as a couple. Our posts tend to focus on the practical problem-solving associated with growth within marital roles rather than the day-to-day events and the emotional turmoil that often precedes finding a solution to a marital problem. You will find many other blogs that are less “learning”-oriented and more “entertainment”-oriented, but that is not who we are. We are practical folk, so this is the language we speak. Also, we have learned over the years that most couples who are ready to reach for something better than a mediocre marriage are looking for practical ideas they can implement to make their marriage better. We are honored to be able to share a handful of the valuable ideas we have gathered on our own treasure hunt.

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    2. I guess I'm sort of sorry for asking. I sure didn't mean to leave you feeling uncomfortable and the last thing I look for here in blogland is entertainment. I suppose my problem is that I am driven by relationship over advice, by the connections that I end up making with bloggers and knowing (anonymously) who they are a little bit. I've appreciated your posts and will take from them what I can without looking for that piece. I can do that!

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  2. Thank you for this wonderful post. It was exactly what I needed to read this morning.

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    1. Thank YOU, Sassy Chassy. I am glad the timing of this post matched up with what you were experiencing. Gratitude is a timeless element, and we can't have too much of it.

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  3. Wonderful post, OFM. Ward and I strive every day to express our gratitude to each other, not only for extraordinary things, but for small, ordinary things, and for just being a force in each other's lives. We have both come from a past where that was not the case. And I know, for me at least, it is the most astounding thing I have experienced. And as happens with reciprocity, his appreciation of me, makes me appreciate him all the more.

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    1. Thanks, June. I, too, have found that the gratitude expressed for those little, seemingly unimportant things often has the most powerful effect on us. Everyone associates thanks with material gifts and other acts of obvious generosity, but its easy to become blind to the less pronounced acts of kindness. It's how we react to those little things, I think, that makes all the difference in a relationship. And I agree that the more we feel appreciated, the more we want to express our own gratitude and appreciation. Gratitude is a powerful, chain-reaction generator!

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  4. We do this much better in our older years, than we did in our younger years. It's harder when something disappointing happens, to still be thankful immediately, but I noticed one thing different with DD. Because I'm trying to be more respectful, I try to not react as quickly. Sometimes, that allows time to think, not just about the disappointments, but also about the joys. We don't have to share every little detail of how disappointed we feel, because something was not perfect. Thank you for your insightful post. God Bless You and Yours, Belle L.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Belle. You've highlighted one of the old fashioned tidbits of wisdom that I haven't blogged about yet: the power of not blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. Learning to slow down our tongues can be healing for a marriage. Thank you for reminding us of this truth. May you, too, be blessed.

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  5. This is a wonderful post, my friend.
    Gratitude and thankfulness are indeed parts of a healthy marriage and happy family. If Mum and Dad model it to each other, the children will find it intrinsic to do the same.
    I think that Ian and I had gone into a routine of expectancy in our marriage. We had our roles and we did what was expected of us. That was killing us.
    With the lifestyle we have now, what each of us brings to the marriage is valued and discussed openly. There is a different spirit in our marriage and in our home.
    I love the idea of making notes and following up on the expression of a gracious thought. It is a perfect way for it to become habitual.
    Loved it,
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, Lillie. Yes, it's very easy to become "lazy" in a marriage, and take each other for granted. I need to constantly remind myself to climb out of the rut of "taking for granted" and make the time to express my appreciation for the people in my life.

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