27 October 2012

Spanking Out a Wild Fire

One of our readers recently asked if there is anything he could do to prevent the conversations with his wife from always evolving into arguments. If both partners are passionate about their opinions, and determined to prove they are right, finding a solution through debating to a point of agreement might be a bigger challenge than the couple anticipated. What then? What, if anything, should be done if marital discussions about the important issues always end in arguments with no solution being found?

Let us first consider whether marital arguments are something that should be avoided. Many couples insist that they thrive on arguing: heated debate generates passion in the relationship. But is this really the best way for the couple to live? Arguments develop when one or both individuals involved lose their focus and the ability to communicate without emotion clouding their judgment. Arguments commonly include criticism that makes the listener defensive, and likely to retaliate with more criticism or hostility. As arguments progress, those involved try harder to make themselves heard. They become frustrated and angry when they see they are failing to convince the other person. As emotions escalate, those involved in the argument become less capable of communicating effectively: negative emotions cripple the ability to listen and speak.

If the couple is serious about finding solutions to their problems, then arguing is the wrong direction to take. During an argument, the conversation aims at one person’s opinion dominating, instead of blending the couple’s wisdom and finding what is best for the marriage. The criticism component of a typical argument is destructive - people say hurtful things that leave the kind of damage that taints a relationship long after the heat of the battle has past. An argument is not the most effective way for a couple to resolve issues - it may allow one or both partners to vent and relieve some tension, but there will usually be a price to pay for this emotional indulgence. If you want more than just a little tension relief from your passionate discussions, banish the arguments from your home.

But how do we stop arguing when it feels so natural for us?

In non-traditional marriages, it falls on the more emotionally mature partner to take the lead. In a traditional marriage the husband, as head of his home and leader in his marriage, bears the responsibility to pull the plug before a conversation degrades to where it is damaging to the marriage. (The wife can also help prevent an argument - after all, it takes two to tangle - but she lacks the authority her husband has at times like this.) When the husband recognizes that emotion is causing the conversation to deviate from the goal of finding a solution that is best for the marriage, he needs to call a halt to the conversation. It is essential to not assign blame at this time. The husband will achieve nothing positive by saying things like “you are too emotional to discuss this so we will continue later,” or “you are confusing the issue so I refuse to discuss this further”. As leader, he needs to help them both refocus, and that is best achieved with a neutral argument-terminator like “we will put this discussion on ice for 30 minutes”. The words the husband uses to shut down the argument will play a big role in how quickly peace returns to the home. 

Thirty minutes is usually the minimum time needed for both partners to calm down, and gather their thoughts so they can return to the discussion with clear heads. Sometimes a longer break is better, but the matter should not be left unresolved for an indefinite period. Set a time limit for the cool-off period. Take enough time to think about the ideas you want to share that will benefit the marriage - steer clear of ideas and solutions that don’t enrich the marriage. Committing your ideas to paper before returning to the discussion is a good way to keep the discussion focused on the goal. 

But what if the wife disregards her husband’s decision to draw a close to the argument? What if she forges ahead and continues to try to make her point after he has called for a cool-off period? In this case, the husband should respond as he would to any other act of disrespect from his wife. By insisting on fueling the argument after her husband has called a time-out on the discussion, she is blatantly stating that she does not respect his leadership decision, and has chosen to disobey him. If he usually punishes his wife for this kind of behavior, the husband should do so in this case. A spanking may light a fire in his argumentative wife’s bottom, but it will go a long way to putting out the wild fire of an unnecessary and destructive argument. And when the fire in the wife’s spanked rear has died down, the couple can spend some time apart gathering their thoughts before sitting down to try to solve the problem together.

12 comments:

  1. My wife and I argue too often. I want to have more peaceful discussions, but she tends to get stuck on a point and before we know it, we are both angry. I guess I need to learn to recognize when the conversation is heading into an argument, and stop it.

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    1. Thanks for your comment, Adrian. Learning to recognize when a conversation is on the slippery slope leading into destructive exchanges can be difficult. In fact, it is probably the hardest part of changing this behavior for a couple. One of the telltale signs that its time to chill out is when one of the partners starts criticizing the other. When you see that happening, have a break from the discussion. You will both come back to it with less hurts and clearer thinking.

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  2. We were at Walmart tonight and came around the corner to the candles and there was a couple in a full-blown snit. He was harping at her, and she was sniping back & loudly - Oh, and now I can't even think?. I sidled up to Ward and laced my fingers with his. He smiled and whispered that he was glad we are who we are.

    Ward didn't grow up in a house where there was much arguing. I grew up in a house where there was nothing but, and vowed that I would never again.

    I think arguments can be avoided when we worry less about being right and having the last word and make our focus effective communication - being actually interested in hearing our partner - and compromise.

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    1. June, a peaceful home with little or no arguing is indeed a wonderful place to live. And yes, when we allow ourselves to become selfish (which is a big part of what arguing is), the heated exchanges seldom remain confined to the privacy of our homes. I think you are right - arguments happen when our own ideas become more important than the other person or our marriage. Listening (with the desire to learn) takes the focus off me and puts it on the other person. While arguments do happen in real relationships, they are not truly consistent with the act of loving: which is selfless and puts others ahead of ourselves. Thanks for taking the time to contribute, June.

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  3. I remember the comment that you are referring to in this post. I felt like this man was trying to improve his marriage and looking for good skills.
    Since Ian and I began dd, arguments are very rare in our marriage. Before dd they were often quite bad, ending in long periods of distancing and hostility.
    Now, a disagreement might flare up and one of three things will happen. It will be resolved in the course of the conversation, Ian will say - "enough for now, we'll talk later" and we always do, or I will become more and more disrespectful and then he will spank me.
    More often than not, it is resolved that night when we cuddle up to have our "state of the union" meeting at bedtime. Sometimes when Ian asks what I would like to say about abc or xyz, I will have forgotten what i was annoyed about or he will have.
    This feels like a much more natural approach to settling conflict that the cold war or raging inferno of our pre dd life.
    Great post, my friend
    lillie

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    1. Thanks for adding your comment, Lillie. I believe that arguing really does do more damage than good. It sounds like you and Ian have some great ways to resolve issues: good communication definitely enriches a relationship. I really like your bedtime meeting idea - it has so much potential for enhancing communication and ensuring that every day starts on a new note.

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  4. When we would have an argument, it was always me backpedaling and pleading, begging for forgiveness for I-don't-know-what. I begged forgiveness just to make him stop being angry. I was terrified of his anger. I just wanted it to go away, and I would do ANYTHING to make it go away, including but not limited to shouldering any and all blame.

    I found that just as I started to feel comfortable in a conversation, he would end it. My reaction would be disbelief, shock that I was being silenced, and I would come after him trying to continue it - VERY bad decision. I was shuddering in fear a couple of hours later!

    At this point, we are two single people who are legally married....for the sake of the kids. I hardly know who he is, and he hardly knows who I am. I've learned that when he says a conversation is over, it's over. In order to avoid all the pain that comes when he ends it just as I start to feel safe, I just don't bother.

    Your post reminded me of us -- and it would be a surefire way for me to clam up and really end up hating him....he would claim that very thing (that we were getting nowhere) whereas I would finally be feeling safe enough to get vulnerable. Now we're at this point. Just having him around during the weekend drains my energy dry. His mere presence is all it takes to just make me want to disappear.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your experience, Anonymous. As you observed in your own experience, arguing generates anger and guilt and fear. It does not create the kind of environment where people feel safe and eager to share, or where marital problems are easily solved. The key to the kind of peaceful communication (which enhances problem solving) is to keep the negative emotions from taking a discussion off track. Sometimes keeping the selfish emotions from dominating and destroying the potential for dealing with the issue under discussion takes one or both partners doing something deliberate.

      This post is just one method that a couple in a traditional marriage can use to maintain peace in the home and create the kind of communication environment where emotion won't distract them from the topics they want to deal with. Avoiding difficult issues won't solve any problems, but neither will arguing about them.

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  5. I also learned "we'll discuss it later" meant there would never be a "later". A few times I looked forward to the "later" and learned it was an illusion. I've learned to do a lot of things on my own. It is sort of like carrying around a heavy load and your arms ache because you can't put it down yet. And then your back starts to ache. And then pretty soon everything aches and you just ache all the time.

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    1. There should always be a time limit applied to the "we'll discuss it later". Avoiding talking about tough topics is no guarantee they will resolve themselves. Often, a problem that is not dealt with swiftly simply grows into something bigger. A submissive wife can respectfully ask her husband when they can revisit the topic. It is not, however, appropriate to ask during or immediately after an argument when emotions are still running high. Sometimes the way people respond to our requests has a lot to do with how or when we ask: pick the time carefully, and always ask with heart-felt respect.

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    2. Anonymous7/11/12 16:38

      I don't know how to ask. Every way I try, even when I write out beforehand, doesn't seem to work. There are a ton of topics we just don't discuss, and my point of view on anything is absolutely off-limits. When I express a viewpoint, my husband takes the opportunity to tell me why my view is wrong, why my views are not logical. I used to protest this putting-down of any concerns I had; this was not good to do. Protesting or expressing that I was not happy with being put down was highly imprudent. When I do make the mistake of expressing a view, I am quiet as he downplays my view and have learned to remain quiet. Since this is painful, I just learn to stay silent. At this point, we hardly know each other and it's sad....especially when I see other couples who aren't so estranged. Most of the problems now are so huge and bad that I doubt they will ever be resolved. I don't see that things will ever get better, unless of course I just continue to withdraw, which really is what I do with greater skill each day. I feel like I am living with a total stranger and raising a family with some help from a total stranger (he's a fabulous father, I have to add).

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    3. It sounds like your husband is an aggressive “win-at-all-costs” debater with a heavy leaning towards the logical (as opposed to emotional) argument. It is not unusual for men to focus on the logical aspects of a topic, and to be competitive about it. Women often (not always) lean towards more emotion or feeling-based arguments (which could prove to be flawed if the only criterion on the table is logic), and are generally more co-operative and less competitive. If your husband is a natural problem solver, his nature will be to find the flaws in your point of view. Now, if he is a poor communicator, he may be tactless and hurtful in HOW he presents his counter-argument. But many people who debate from a more emotional base mistakenly think these “logic and flaw-seeking” counter-arguments are intended to humiliate or hurt or make them look stupid. This is not necessarily the intention at all. Couple a cold, logic-oriented personality with poor communication skills and you have someone who can say horribly hurtful things. Here’s a challenge for you: instead of seeing your husband’s counter-arguments as personal attacks intended to silence you, take some time to learn more about his personality and how people like him communicate. Then communicate in a way (you clearly have the intelligence and ability to learn new skills) that brings out your husband’s “listening” ability.

      “I don't see that things will ever get better, unless of course I just continue to withdraw...” I disagree - I believe you are moving in the wrong direction if you truly want things to get better.

      You and your husband seem to be doing a great job in the parenting realm. Well done. Did you know that one of your responsibilities as parents is to model for your children what a healthy marriage looks like? That includes showing your children how to communicate with your spouse, how to show affection to your spouse, how to respect your spouse, etc. Being a fabulous father or mother includes being a wonderful spouse. If your children are the light of your life, then they are worth the effort it will take to heal your marriage.

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